Tag: life

Reflections

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Now that it’s 2016, I feel obliged to reevaluate my life’s trajectory and try to find some meaning in the chaos thus far. Granted, that wasn’t my initial thought process. The inspiration actually sparked when I saw all those New Year’s Eve Facebook posts from all my virtual friends, updating the cyber world on their proud moments of 2015 and how they all hoped 2016 would bring even more. Apart from being slightly annoyed by all of those posts because, let’s face it, not all of them were all too impressive (SORRY), I sincerely wanted to share a post of my own. But no matter how much I sat and thought about how I could sum up the whole of 2015 in one relatively brief Facebook status, I simply couldn’t do it. Why? Well, to put it frankly, 2015 was littered with more painful, stressful, heartbreaking and overall difficult moments than anything else. But I don’t want to be so cynical this young, so in an effort to brighten up my mindset, I’m going to review my year and pat myself on the back a little.

2015 started out on a rough route, beginning with wedding dress stress that could really only happen to me. I fought with the owner of the bridal salon where I purchased my dress over moral and ethical values days before my wedding. It was incredibly hard and emotionally draining because I felt I was robbed of my “perfect wedding dress moment.” In the end of this months-long battle, I came out of it victorious, sort of, receiving monetary compensation for the trouble I had to go through. Even when I look back at this drama now, more than a year later, it still really upsets me. I hate that this woman acted so unprofessionally and made an already stressful time period even worse. But with further contemplation, I can admit that I’m also a little proud of myself for how I handled the situation. It was truly a, “holy crap, I’ve sure grown up!” kind of moment! For the most part, I kept my cool, I did my research to make sure I understood the law and that I wasn’t doing or saying anything that could hurt me. I asked friends and family for advice on how to proceed, and found I had a whopping amount of support on the matter. I made my point and I walked away with my dress in the end. I need to try and remember this part more than the emotional distress.

My wedding. My goodness. I’ve never cried so many happy tears in my entire life. It was truly the highlight and best moment of 2015, without a shadow of a doubt.

Shortly after the wedding, however, James had his final foot surgery. It’s amazing how quickly we can forget about the happy times when we’re faced with adversity, but this moment in 2015 was definitely top 3 of the worst. We dealt with a surgeon who was not only unkind, but also seriously and verbally doubtful of a positive outcome post-op. We fought with the NHS, and James suffered a great deal of pain. I, as his caretaker, found out how fiercely I cared for my husband and to what lengths I was willing to go to ensure his full recovery (insane lengths). For once, I had to be the rock in the relationship, and although I’d go home every night after visiting him at the hospital and cried myself to sleep, wracked with worry, I did my best to only show him strength because I knew how important it was to help him get better. But you know what? He recovered from the surgery and life improved. He will always have pain every day of his life, but now he can walk without an air cast, an accessory we both grew to hate. Small victories are still victories. One day at a time, right? Until then, we still hope for a cure.

My career was also going significantly well in 2015, having begun my second year as a news photographer in Cleveland. My coworkers seemed to like me well enough, and if they didn’t, they did a fantastic job at hiding it. I was given more responsibilities and trusted with higher caliber stories during a pretty interesting time in Cleveland history. I worked long days and often strange hours, sometimes tallying 9-10 days of work in a row. Some days were really tough, but others were amazingly fun. I made some pretty great friends at that gig, and the experiences I had taught me so much about the industry as well as myself. Let’s just say.. you never know how emotionally strong you are until you’re the first media responder at an incredibly grisly emergency scene. I left that job a better person, and as ready as I was to leave and start my life in the UK, I really do miss that place and the people who pushed me to excellence.

In late summer of 2015, my husband and I were finally able to apply for my UK visa. I have never put so much thought, energy and emotion into something before in my life. All of the necessary elements of our life finally fell perfectly into place and we were ready! And by early September, my visa had arrived. Apart from marrying my best friend, being told we can finally live in the same country together was the next best moment of 2015. I put my two weeks in at work the same day my visa arrived and began packing my life into a few suitcases. But before I could leave, my grandfather had a serious accident days before my flight departed. I dropped everything to be by his side, terrified for his well-being and questioning whether or not I should leave at all. Add this to the list of the most terrifying things that occurred in 2015 for me. But with my family’s blessing and promise to keep me updated on his progress and health, I made the journey to begin my new life. And I’m glad I made that decision because seeing my grandfather’s improvement over the holidays eased so much of the guilt I felt for leaving. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions. Or in my case.. often.

Now, these are just a few massively huge growth experiences that I had in 2015. There’s SO much more that it’s actually quite alarming, but hey, I fit a lot of life experiences into short amounts of time all the time! I look back and think how in the world I survived that roller coaster – or better yet – how in the world I made it to where I am now. I want to say I’m lucky. That the world was just nice enough to keep pushing me in the right direction. But in reality, I know that I am where I am today because I was determined (or as my mother would say, stubborn) enough to succeed. 2015 gave me a million reasons to want to throw in the towel, huddle in the corner in the fetal position and give up entirely. I still firmly believe that one single person shouldn’t ever have to deal with the amount of tragedy and strife I dealt with in 12 short months. BUT in some weird, twisted way, I’m glad it was me. It pushed me into adulthood faster than anything else, but it was necessary to experience so that I could see for myself that I can handle the world on my own. That I’m strong and a force to be reckoned with when faced with an obstacle. And when the clock struck midnight on the morning of January 1, 2016, I truly felt ready for what the new year would bring. Because in my mind, I’ve already dealt with so much in my short life that what’s one more bump in the road? I’m where I always wanted to be in life. And that, my friends, is both amazing and terrifying. Bring it on, 2016. I’m ready!

This adventure

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Well, things have changed a bit in the last few months. Is that the understatement of the year? Hello, my name is Tanya and I’m officially an American expatriate living in London. It seemed like a far off dream that may never come to fruition, and now I wake up next to my husband every morning and find myself using words like “telly”and “crisps”and being genuinely awed by the constant beauty I stumble upon in this city. It’s strange when I’m the one with an accent and having to spell words with an extra ‘u’ or exchanging a ‘z’ with an ‘s,’ but I’m managing!

People talk about starting over all the time, as if it’s this imaginary opportunity that is too far from reach but still appears occasionally in our daydreams when days are rough – a wonderful possibility, but unlikely to happen. Yet here I am, living proof that it can happen.

The day I found out I was moving abroad and began telling friends and family, I was met with a chorus of “good for yous” and “well dones,” commending me for never giving up on my goal and finally achieving it, years later. Naysayers were shocked at my success, and supporters popped out of every nook and cranny on social media, suddenly donning team Tanya cheerleading outfits. I felt accomplished and excited and ready for this new chapter in my life, but more importantly, I felt fear. I was legitimately starting over. How the hell can you prepare for that?

By nature, I’m a planner. I make lists, I plan ahead and I like to think I’m usually prepared for almost any eventuality. But in this instance, I had no idea what I was doing or what to expect. I played it cool, calm and collected for the most part, but I was harboring a deep panic on the inside. Sure, I had previously lived abroad multiple times. But those instances were always temporary and for short periods of time. Was I ready for the long term? Could I hack it?

Even still, I don’t have answers to those questions. The reality of my fear grows each day. Some days I even struggle to leave the flat, afraid someone will tease me for my American accent or I’ll get hopelessly lost and be unable to find my way home. All of the stress and pains of finding a new job in my field that I once thought I had finally hurdled when I landed my last position have returned with a vengeance. Yes, I’m finally living in the city I’ve been aching to be in with my better half by my side, but I’d be lying if I said every day was a breeze. Even if you tried to imagine what it may be like to pack a chunk of your belongings into a few suitcases, say good-bye to all your friends and family, quit your job, leave behind all sense of familiarity and move 4,000 miles to a different country that operates far differently to what you’re used to… it still doesn’t scrape the surface of how it really feels. Hell, when I first got here, I didn’t know how to operate any of the appliances or even open my front door without getting help first. In a lot of ways, I feel like a child figuring out the world for the first time. And at the ripe old age of 25, it’s easy to see how that can be a major blow to your confidence.

The day-to-day stuff is hard. I don’t know anyone in this city, I’m alone and left to my own devices the majority of each day and I’m now 5 hours ahead from those I did know back home. I thought I could still seek support from the friends I left behind, but within days of moving, I quickly realized that my moving abroad symbolically served as the death of all friendships I once held. I thought it’d be hard keeping up friendships when I never got to see them anymore, but I thought I could make it work. What I didn’t think was that most (if not all) of those friends would choose to write me off and stop speaking to me entirely. That was something I wasn’t ready for. I’m not angry about it because I understand the difficulties of maintaining long distance relationships of any kind (um, hello!), but I guess I didn’t expect to be so on my own so soon.

And while it’s easy to get down and out about the things I’ve lost and the changes I’ve been forced to go through, I try my hardest to see the best in my situation. This is my blank slate. This is my chance to rewrite my future, and for once in my life, there’s no question of whether or not these plans would permanently include my best friend, my partner in life, my soulmate. I’m here now and for as long as we choose to stay here. There’s no more wondering what may come because I’ve finally got the power to make those decisions myself. And as terrifying as that feels sometimes, I also know how powerful it is too. Not many people get an opportunity in life like this, and despite whatever reservations seep into my thoughts, I know I’m lucky and I know of all people, I’m strong enough to prevail and come out of this experience a better person. I may have a mixed bag of emotions, but at the end of the day, I know I’m right where I belong.

It feels good to be lost in the right direction

Carry on.

This blog has quickly turned into a place where I pour out complicated details of my life, but I suppose that’s healthy and if people want to read it – cool.

My job gives me an opportunity to meet a lot of people under many different circumstances. They tell me intimate details about their lives, and some are heartbreaking and hard to hear. But as with any situation, I try to walk away having learned something new about life.. as well as myself.

In the news industry, you’ve really got to have a thick skin because you see, hear and experience a lot of traumatizing things. So one thing I’ve learned about myself is that if I can classify something as “all in a day’s work,” no matter how traumatically emotional it may be, I can shelve it and go on with my regular day-to-day as if it hasn’t affected me at all. For example, I’ve been to so many emergency scenes that I’ve lost count where people have been seriously injured or even died, but it doesn’t phase me. Mentally, I see experiences like this as simply the nature of my job, and it’s my duty to capture the experience in order to share it and teach others. But if something happens in my personal life, not even on par with some of the things I experience on the job, it has the power to cripple me for days at a time.

As most of you know, my husband and I have been working our butts off to finally get to live in the same city together. Visas and paperwork complicate the process quite a bit, but we take it day by day. Most recently, we had finally found an apartment in London that checked all of our boxes, and we quickly put down a deposit to make it ours. It’s been years in the making, and finding an apartment eliminated one of the final obstacles keeping us apart. We were thrilled! We started talking about how we’d decorate the place, what furniture we needed to buy, how we’d spruce up the back garden to make use of it during the warm months. We were having so much fun making plans because it finally felt like our future together – in the same place – was here. Well, in true “just our luck” fashion, this dream came to a grinding halt. The current tenant decided to stay last minute, so we lost our dream flat. All of our plans went up in smoke just like that. Back to square one. I wasn’t just devastated, I was angry. After everything we’ve been through, how dare the world do this to us?! The end was in sight! I allowed myself to get excited only to have the rug ripped right out from under me?! That’s not fair! That’s not right!

As soon as I heard the news, my entire demeanor changed. My entire outlook on my future became bleak. “I’ll never get to London,” I thought. “It’s just not meant to be.” Neither of us had even moved into the place yet, but it still felt like someone took something of ours away. I cried. I punched pillows. I threw a mini fit in the privacy of my room. I yelled at my husband even though he had nothing to do with the tenant deciding to stay put. I just couldn’t handle it.

And then I gave myself time to think. A few days ago, I had a conversation with a coworker about personal battles we all fight in our private lives, and how we must then put on a brave face in public and act like nothing is bothering us. And I thought how easy it is for us to completely ignore our feelings like that for the sake of saving face. Unless it’s your job to remain unbiased, you’re allowed to let things affect you. But then I ask: how do you decide what is allowed to affect you and what’s not? On the job, I’m completely numb to emotion. But off the clock, it doesn’t take much to get to tantrum town. So how do I find a healthy balance?

Talking to people helps. It’s a blessing to have level-headed people weigh in on your situation and give you perspective. On the job, sometimes I’m that person for victims’ families. And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that their situations are much more dire than the ones I’m facing right now, which brings me back down to earth. If someone whose grandson was shot and killed at close range by a police officer still has faith in the power of positivity and future change, who am I to let something like a silly apartment damn my future?

So here’s what I’ve learned: It’s okay to be sad, mad, hurt. To quote my favorite movie, Elizabethtown, “you have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it, embrace it, discard it …and proceed.” We are human. We have emotions and we shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of them. We NEED to feel what we feel, but once we have, we cannot wallow in it. Life is too short to fixate on one problem, especially if it’s a problem we have no control over. In my case, I do have control. I can find a new apartment. The world isn’t ending and my future isn’t doomed. For a hot second, it sure felt like it. But now that I’ve dealt with the appropriate emotions, I can move on to finding a solution to the problem. I remain stoic at work because I have to, but I need to face the experiences I’ve had even if it means returning back to the moment mentally and in private. If we ignore how we feel, the smallest problems can seem like nightmares and we’ll burst. Empathy is healthy and helpful. And it’s okay to admit that life is hard sometimes for everyone, but we can’t stop living.

We are intrepid. We carry on.

What hurts

Pain: The physical feeling caused by disease, injury or something that hurts the body.

We have all experienced pain in some form or another in our lifetimes. If the world is kind, we hope that it is only a temporary and brief experience. And even if we don’t get a say in how long the pain lasts, at least we get to cling to the hope that it will eventually lapse so that we can then switch gears to healing instead of hurting. But what happens when the pain not only has no end date, but also has an imminent promise of getting worse? Then what?

I mentioned last year the medical issues that were overwhelming my husband and me (yep, we got married!). We didn’t have concrete answers in regards to his nerve condition back then, so we were still able to see a glimmer of hope for improvement. The possibility of pain relief was still at least obtainable in our hopeful minds because questions weren’t yet answered. Unfortunately and fortunately (it’s a mixed-bag of emotions, here), we now have that definitive diagnosis of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. After yet another foot surgery in an attempt to improve his walking situation, James came out of it with seemingly more chronic, daily pain. So here’s what we’ve learned in the last few months that we didn’t know or weren’t told before:

1.) CRPS is not only incurable, but has a 90% chance of worsening and spreading to other parts of the body after time.
2.) There is no medicine on the market as of yet that successfully manages CRPS pain or guarantees any long-term relief. The medicines that doctors typically go for are prescribed on a strictly trial-and-error basis. Some possible treatments can also be super risky.
3.) Forcing yourself to push through the pain is the only way to try and mitigate or slow down the risks of the condition spreading (they think), but the minute you allow yourself to rest is when the pain can get its most excruciating.
4.) Doctors won’t let you just cut your foot off and call it a day if the idea of living your life in constant pain doesn’t appeal to you.
5.) The experts and specialists don’t really have good answers for you because they don’t understand it either.
6.) BUT James doesn’t NEED to use crutches or a foot cast anymore… if he can stand the pain.

So now what? My husband has an invisible disease that nobody fully understands and it has not only become the focal topic of our lives, but it also determines the majority of our actions and choices. We don’t realize how important and integral walking and standing are until the act of doing either incurs unbearable pain. Or participating in a conversation and suddenly being wracked with disorienting and distracting pain, unable to pay enough attention to really “be” where you are. I would never wish this condition on my worst enemy, yet I have to sit idly by watching the person I love the most living with it. That’s a type of pain I never expected I’d have to live with for myself either. For the rest of our lives.

I love my husband. I fully recognize that this awful situation is not something he brought on himself, and I have never and will never blame him for it. But it is certainly something I never could’ve prepared for, mentally or emotionally. I have moments of agonizing helplessness and guilt when I find that I have no offers of advice or suggestions to give James in order to alleviate the pain. I often find myself at a loss for words simply because I know nothing I say can stop him from hurting. That is a type of emotional pain I didn’t even know existed. There are so many different facets of pain, and I’m uncovering a whole slew of them lately. Whether we’re together or apart,  I’m constantly worried about his comfort level, wanting to protect him from any possible dangers that could increase his pain, but also trying to take care of myself as well. I morphed into caretaker mode because nobody wants to watch their loved ones suffer – we want to help. But I found that as I desperately tried to find ways to help, usually without success, I was letting the worry consume me so much that I stopped caring about my own well being. Even still, I struggle to find a balance between looking after my husband and looking after myself. I wonder, is this how first-time mothers feel as well – scared and unsure? Although, at least they can learn how to fix and/or improve things to encourage better quality of life for their children, right? Or they can ask professionals who can help too. I feel like this situation is so unique that there isn’t any one thing or person I can turn to for help, and it’s not something that sits well with me. Especially with the thought of the pain spreading. What happens if the pain becomes so intense down the road that he can no longer move, work, live a joyful life? How do I deal with that then? Then I remember that speculating what could happen later doesn’t help the now, so I try and drop it. But as with most things, that’s easier said than done.

I have gained a whole new respect and admiration for individuals with disabilities (seen or unseen). For those of you fighting off illnesses, caring for loved ones who are unable to care for themselves, living with pain – I salute you. You are far stronger people than I am, and I aspire to achieve the same strength. You don’t receive enough credit for the effort you put into creating and living a good life despite any real or imagined shortcomings you’ve been dealt. You face obstacles not with fear or defeat, but with determination. We are only given one life in this wicked world, so no matter what, we have to learn how to love it. Even if it hurts.

I’m learning as I go, and despite the agony we both feel sometimes, I’m so happy James and I have each other for support. And I will do whatever I can to help raise awareness and fund research projects so that debilitating, inhibiting, invisible medical conditions like CRPS can be eradicated. I can’t do everything.. but I can do something.

That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

Tougher than life

Dream team

Months ago, I wrote a post about my complicated love life. Since the beginning of my relationship, there have been more naysayers and self-proclaimed “realists” than cheerleaders or supporters. Although it’s been hard hearing people doubt the longevity of my relationship with my husband-to-be, I’ve never had any doubts myself. (As they say, when you know, you know!) The biggest hurdle we’ve had to deal with as a couple is remaining a team while separated by 4,000+ miles and that pesky ocean. Long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart. Nevertheless, we’ve made it this far and plan to close the gap as soon as the visa paperwork clears. Whenever that may be…

I have faced many obstacles in my short life. I’ve made plans and sat back and watched them crumble before my eyes. But I believe my perseverance (and possibly stubbornness) keeps me moving forward toward my goals. With that said, these last few months have been some of the hardest I’ve ever faced, and they have certainly tested my strength.

My fiancé, James, recently lost his job that he loved so much, which had been the main reason for our decision for me to move to London to join him. It happened unexpectedly and suddenly, and not only put him face-to-face with unemployment for the first time in his adult life, but it also single-handedly halted the entire visa application process. You see, he sort of needs an income to prove he can sponsor me for the visa. Saying, “hey, we’re married!” isn’t actually enough, apparently. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t blame the company he worked for because outsourcing James’ job seemed to be the best option in their eyes. But at the same time, I feel like the timing and completely out-of-left-field nature of the situation makes me also feel like we were personally, maliciously attacked. Logically, I know it’s “just business,” but this seemingly small incident threw all of our plans back up in the air. Back to square one, we say. There was an end in sight to the long distance as soon as we said our I dos, and then the rug got ripped out from under us. Can you imagine how it feels knowing that after we have our wedding, we still won’t know when we can live with each other or where that will be? That’s not a typical stress in a normal relationship! Most couples can just pick up and move without thinking twice. But we can’t… until we have the paperwork that says we can – legally.

On top of that unpleasant surprise, there’s a larger, more worrisome issue on our hands. James broke his foot when he was in military college years ago. After a misdiagnosis by the UK’s healthcare system, James’ foot condition worsened. He was constantly breaking the same foot or feeling excruciating pain even if the bone wasn’t broken. I’ve watched him suddenly buckle over in severe pain, tears welling up in his eyes, unable to speak for no understandable reason. He has logged more hours at the hospital in the last year than you probably have in your entire life. And I’ve never been able to be there in person for him. Nearly half of our relationship, James has been on crutches or wearing a cast, unable to move around like an average human being. He used to be a marathon runner, and now he has to stop and take breaks when the pain gets to be too intense. Specialists have examined his foot so many times we’ve lost count, and I’m sure all of the area doctors know his case by heart simply due to the amount of times he’s had to call and leave messages asking for a different kind of pain medicine because whatever they gave him this time wasn’t helping. He’s ingested so many terrifyingly strong pain medications and narcotics that I worry about the state of his organs and the tolerance his body has built up. After countless MRIs and X-rays, doctors believe he has Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) and Allodynia. He’s had several surgeries, including one a few months ago to kill a nerve in his foot to stop all feeling whatsoever. We pushed for the surgery because he wasn’t responding to pain management medications, and also because I really wanted to dance with my husband at our wedding in February. The surgery worked and he was walking around normally and we allowed ourselves to celebrate and get excited to dance at our wedding…  And then the chronic, crippling pain was back within a month or two and our hearts were broken. That phone call with James was probably the worst, most painful conversation I’ve ever had in my life. The doctor had told James he could run again in as little as three years, and now the boot is back on and the crutches are always at the ready. We thought we saw the light at the end of the tunnel. We were excited! And yet again, we were let down. Now, doctors see that two bones in James’ foot have fused together and need to be surgically separated. Until then, he will repeatedly break his foot because of the added pressure the fused bones place on his foot. However, his hypersensitivity and CRPS make it too risky to pursue this surgery until doctors can figure out a way to manage the pain. And although most Americans don’t understand this because we don’t have healthcare like the UK does, the wait time for James to see someone at the pain management clinic is, AT THE EARLIEST, 3 months from now (thanks, universal healthcare). So not only do I have to helplessly sit here in America while my other half is in agonizing pain every single day (physically and emotionally), I also have to stomach the notion that James may never find relief – or worse – it may worsen or spread to other parts of his body. I do the best that I can to be supportive and positive because scary health situations like this are best combatted by a strong, optimistic team. But it takes nearly all my strength not to break down myself, and I’m not the one dealing with the physical pain. I selfishly had this image of James and I dancing with big goofy grins on our faces to our song in 10 weeks, and now I’m trying to figure out a way to dress up his crutches to match the venue decor.

While there’s nothing we can do at this moment except stay positive and hopeful, it’s still hard to deal with. Even though James no longer holds the job that kept him in London away from me, he still has to stay in London now in order to remain with the doctors who have been working closely with him. Why doesn’t he come to America, you say? It’s been discussed, but American healthcare is astronomically expensive, which is an obstacle we simply can’t get around financially. And even if we could, it takes a minimum of a year for a non-US citizen to have their visa application accepted in order for James to remain here with me.

It has been an incredibly tough year for James and me. We have faced so much adversity, and sometimes it feels like it’ll never end. But I have to keep the faith because James deserves the best in this world, and if I can’t fix these problems, I can at least give him my best.

I chose to write this post because I think it’s important for everyone to remember that we are all fighting our own battles even if others can’t see them. We should not judge or criticize others for things we do not understand, and we should always hope for the best for people no matter what. I know our situation could be much worse, but for now, this feels earth-shattering. So please be kind to one another and help each other out. Even if it’s just listening when someone needs to vent or offering a hug to help someone de-stress – almost any little thing can help. Trust me, I can attest to that! James will be pain-free some day soon and we’ll get to live in the same place because that’s the only future either of us will accept. We’ll get there because we want to. In the meantime, we’ve got the power of positivity on our side and an absolute unwillingness to give up. And one day, at our vow renewal, James and I will dance without reservation!

When the world starts falling apart around you, all you can do is start picking up the pieces and putting them back in an order you can understand. And that’s what we’re trying to do.

To infinity and beyond!

Friends and weddings

Friends and weddings

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Getting married makes you realize a number of different things. Those most important being along the lines of “Hey, I’m so ready for marriage,” “I’m so in love,” “The future is looking good,” etc. You should be excited to become a member of this institution, which is something I am definitely on board with and annoyingly ecstatic about. Hooray for me!

However, the planning process of the ceremony and reception sheds light on a bunch of different things that you may have hidden far back in the recesses of your brain. The one thing that’s been aggressively brought to the forefront is the concept of “good friends.” I took my time curating a guest list partially because I needed to get estimates on costs per guest, and partially because I was so conflicted on who deserved to be invited. I’d add names to the list only to cross them off a few days later, but continue to second guess my choices even to this day – even after invitations have been sent. After college, friendships change. I understand this as an inevitable truth because it makes perfect sense to me. My life in college was incredibly different than my life as an independent working individual in society. My responsibilities were far less, my financial life was less stressful and demanding, proximity to friends wasn’t a problem and my free time was spent differently. With all these reasons and more, it makes sense that relationships have changed and will continue to change. But knowing this doesn’t necessarily make it easier.

Some friendships ended naturally. The phrase “fizzled out” seems most accurate because there was no discussion as to whether or not we’d attempt to maintain a friendship – we just gradually lost touch. However, I’ve had to make a number of hard decisions, especially around my wedding, and they’ve been prodding at me for weeks now. I’ve cut off friendships because the realization that I wasn’t being treated as I thought a friend should be treated became very clear to me. When it gets to the point where you have to have a conversation about your friendship with someone, it’s time to weigh your options and do what’s best. In one instance, I bluntly asked someone if they considered me a friend, and they responded with “sometimes.” Well, that was that. Once you reach your mid-twenties, flaky occasional friends don’t add positivity or meaning to your life. And when you realize that the other person you valued doesn’t value you the same, and perhaps they upset you more than make you happy, you cut ties to salvage your own happiness and progress on your own.

While I’ve justified all of my choices and I don’t think I’d take any of it back, it’s hard planning a wedding and intentionally not including certain people that you had hoped were forever friends. I love people. I love sharing my life experiences with other people and creating those bonds that add meaning to life. I’ve always been the type of person to give people a second, third, fourth, twentieth chance because I never wanted to let go myself. But when you’re making a decision about which people you want to share in a life changing event like a wedding, memories come flooding back that truly make you second guess things. And that’s hard to deal with. I don’t know if I’ll look back and say, “I wish I had invited so-and-so.” But the very small list of friends I have invited are individuals who have actively stayed involved and interested in my life, and genuinely care to make an effort for me. They’re the people that cheer me on or cheer me up, depending on the circumstance. They share their life stories and happily listen to mine. These people give a face to what it means to be a good friend, and I am happy to say they’re my friends. So to those of you that I’ll see on my big day, thank you for being you and being a part of my life. I’m happy to share these memories with you! And to those of you wondering where your invite is, I apologize. But friendships, as with most relationships, require an effort of some kind from each end. And my wedding is an occasion where love of all types is to be celebrated, never questioned.

And as I continue to deal with the constant flow of changing friendships, I’m happy that there are still a few people I know I can always count on to be there, no matter what. And if nothing else, it’s important to always remind yourself that every experience is either a blessing or a lesson. The lessons may be tough sometimes, but we are tougher. Cheers to the future!

“Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and the thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you – even when you don’t see it yourself.”

Wants, needs and the struggle of choice

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“One of the most troublesome things in life is that what you do or do not want has very little to do with what does or does not happen”

We are creatures of habit. We like routines and plans and knowing what’s in store. Let’s face it – most of what we choose to do is chosen merely to try to force a particular, desired outcome later down the line. Those of us who claim to be spontaneous and adventurous aren’t 100 percent honest because even then, we are making a choice to obtain a specific result. The difference is we do so suddenly and very quickly, right? Personally, I’ve always been the type of person to prepare and plan well in advance to avoid any surprises popping up in the future. Realistically, this is an absolute ridiculous mindset because it’s impossible to deter all surprises, but I did my best to mitigate as much as I could. I always had a plan and a pocket calendar to write it all down in pen – never pencil. There’s no room for uncertainty like that in my planner! But my problem was that although I felt prepared for the things I had control over, this didn’t equip me to deal with changes to my plans gracefully. So while 21-year-old Tanya would’ve insisted that I would be out of the country by the summer after graduation and writing for some great foreign company, she was blindsided by what the universe actually threw at her. So while my plan was and still is to get out and live elsewhere, the timing has changed drastically and I was forced to readjust. And that, as some of you may know, is not an easy thing to do.

Hunter S. Thompson said, “On some days, you get what you want and on others, you get what you need.” What tends to be tough to swallow is that what you want may not be what you need… and vice versa. They don’t always go hand in hand, so how do we prioritize between the two? To put it more simply: which matters more? Obviously, this is completely up to your own interpretation, but I think it comes down to specific scenarios. For example, I want out of my hometown, but I need to feel secure enough to move far away. My desire to move is completely reliant on being properly prepared to actually follow through. So in my mind, this means many things: secure finances, sufficient work experience and timing. However, I always struggle with that last condition because that falls outside the realm of my control and sometimes my understanding. How will I know if the timing is right or not? Is the timing a direct result of whether or not I have the other two conditions fulfilled? And when you spend so much time trying to figure this all out in your own head, it tends to end with you throwing your hands up in the air and sighing, “Well, hopefully I’ll just know,” as if we think our intuition will guide us the right way. But our gut’s been wrong before, remember? Oh, great. Now what?!

In my personal example, I chose to go with what I needed more so than what I wanted at that moment in time. It was a painfully hard decision to make that was met with many tears and empty demands to know why (Oh, why!!) I had to make such a choice. I had a limited amount of time to decide, for myself, what mattered most. That’s an immense amount of pressure to deal with without knowing what, exactly, would follow. So did I make the right choice? I have no idea. Ask me in 20 years. For now, I think it’s best to just hunker down and stick to what I chose. Ride it out to the fullest and revel in it. I didn’t throw my fate up in the air to chance, so I have to be content with my decision.

“I’ve been doing this a long time, and I’ve come to learn that predictions don’t mean much. Too much lies outside the realm of medical knowledge. A lot of what happens next comes down to you and your specific genetics, your attitude. No, there’s nothing we can do to stop the inevitable, but that’s not the point. The point is that you should try to make the most of the time you have left.”

I know that even more changes will spring up down the road and I will have to face them without having prepared for them. That’s the way life goes, right? Sometimes I’ll have to deal with things one-by-one, other times everything will barrel toward me at full speed all at once. I will continue to try to plan for a future the best I can, but I have to allow myself some wiggle room for when the plan has to change. It’s all about attitude and how we act when things don’t go our way. As I said, we can’t control time but we can control how we spend it. So make the tough choices not because you have to, but because you want to keep going and living and growing. And when things don’t exactly go to plan, don’t take it personally. Adjust. “‘It’s not a personal world,’ he told me, ‘no matter how much of it recognizes you on the street.'”

Wealth of travel

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Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sites; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.

A gypsy is a nomadic individual, commonly described as free-spirited and unattached. Although you’re probably imagining Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, gypsies do still exist today, mostly populating parts of Europe. And although all people have basically adapted and changed to accept a new modern lifestyle, gypsies still remain true to their nomadic heritage. I have never met an individual that identifies as a gypsy, but I’ve met the other extreme: the homebody settler. These are the people who make a home and refuse to leave it or explore the rest of the world not because they’re unable financially or for other legitimate reasons, but because they simply don’t want to. Now, I’m a firm believer that traveling does a person good for many reasons. It broadens your horizons, you get to interact with people who may have different ideals, beliefs, cultures or lifestyles than what you’re used to, you can explore history firsthand and with your own eyes, you can physically separate yourself from the stress that awaits you at home — quite frankly, I can only think of seriously positive reasons to pack up and go elsewhere every once in a while. Perhaps I am entirely biased, being a self-proclaimed nomad in training, but how can you fully understand what is happening around the world if you’re only reading about it or hearing about it from others? There’s no better way to understand than to put yourself there!

There are plenty of lists out there about why you should travel, but there are a few key reasons I think are most important to highlight.

1. Traveling is a learning experience. The act of traveling outside of your comfort zone (metaphorically and literally) forces you to figure things out on your own. You can learn how to read a map, how public transportation works, how to manage your time between flights. You learn these things because you have to in that moment otherwise you might miss the next train! But you also get to learn in a broader way – learning how certain people live and how it differs, learning about the past, learning about world, regional, local issues, learning cultural differences and language. The world quickly becomes your classroom and -gasp!- you’re a willing, eager student now! When you travel away from home, you are opening your mind a little bit more each time and learning and changing all the time. Heck, you might find yourself jumping ship from ideas you once held firm simply because travel opened your mind to other opinions. Trust me, it happens!

2. Traveling is good for your health. How many times have you gone on vacation and never left the hotel room? Never? Exactly! When you go somewhere away from home, you’re much more likely to be active and constantly on the move. Sightseeing, hikes, walking around famous shopping centers for hours – all of these things keep you active, and when you’re excited about something, those good chemicals start flowing in your brain! We all know about the scary research about desk jobs and how harmful they can be to your health when you’re sitting for long periods of time, so use that as your excuse to pack your bags and get out for a while. Besides its positive effects on medical health, traveling can also do wonders for your mental health. Shred the stress, let down the barriers and accept the exciting act of adventuring. It’s liberating!

I expected my list of reasons to travel to be much longer than two reasons, but quite frankly, I think that’s plenty. We’re encouraged to travel a lot when we’re young, but I don’t think age matters. The only reason we’re told this is because when you’re young, you have less responsibilities and more free time. However, I don’t think it matters when you go so long as you do go. It’s never too late to learn and grow. There are no excuses that should permanently thwart your ability to travel. If you don’t have money, start saving. If you don’t have time, make time. If you don’t have a plan, get creative. If you’re not uncomfortable, you’re probably not growing. So don’t be afraid of having to bunk down in a hostel in Europe because those scary tales about hostels being gross, dingy and unsafe are all just that — tales! And even if you do wind up in a less than conventional situation, imagine how fun it’ll be to tell that story later on? We learn as we go, but if you’re standing still, you probably won’t learn as much. Just go. You’ll be glad you did.

I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list.

New angles

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Rejection emails are the worst. Especially the vague, standard, sometimes automated emails that simply add to the suspicion that even if you are truly enthusiastic and well equipped for a job, you don’t matter unless you can prove it on paper. Passion is an asset that employers should seek out, but it appears that more and more companies have values elsewhere. I applied for an entry-level social media position at New York Habitat because I felt passionately about the work the company does, I knew it was a job I would enjoy and I wholeheartedly felt I possessed all of the qualities – both in my personality and my knowledge within the field of work – to perform well and quite frankly, make improvements. The millennial  generation is one that is not only eager to learn and make their mark in this world, but has also grown up learning to use improving technology to their advantage. Many current job listings in marketing, for example, are advertising positions that seek 5+ years experience in digital marketing when digital marketing only just became an effective form of marketing within the last few years. Therefore, how can companies use an experience level like this as a prerequisite when it’s literally impossible to possess? It makes more sense to hire some hot-shot recent graduate who has been effectively using digital marketing nonstop for the last few years, who is constantly looking for new ideas and better ways to make an impact because that’s exactly what they’ve known to do throughout their young lives. Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe a middle-aged individual who learned marketing in the 80s deserves the position. I’m not saying recent graduates should always prevail when it comes to new hires, but in certain fields, it makes sense. What do you think?

I’ve read a whole bunch of articles and blogs that give advice to recent graduates about how to snag a job. I’ve read them, I’ve nodded and agreed that I possess the main qualities employers look for, and yet here I still sit– skimming through automated rejection emails with no way to find out why my application didn’t meet the company’s “needs.” As mentioned in my previous blog, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to show that I deserve a job in my field that I can enjoy. Within 24 hours of posting, “What works,” more than 240 individuals across the globe read my blog. Not only that, but people I don’t even know personally were sharing the link on social media, reaching out to the company I wanted to work for and telling them that I deserved an interview. Not only is that humbling, but the fact that these people were basing this belief merely on the fact that they could see my unique passion via blog post surely must mean a lot, right? So here’s my question: What am I doing wrong?

I’m aware that the job market sucks for recent graduates. Nevertheless, I don’t want to use this as an excuse for why I can’t seem to get a job doing something I’m qualified for and can honestly enjoy. If it’s something that is going to dominate the majority of our waking lives, we shouldn’t compromise for it. Simple as that.

Since my first unique attempt at getting an employer’s attention didn’t go to plan, I’m going to augment it a tad. So here is my open cover letter to any employer or recruiter looking for a new hire, or for any individual who wishes to aid in my job search. Feel free to share this blog with social media – Tweet, Facebook, share on LinkedIn or Google+, pin on Pintrest – whatever! Operation Find Tanya A Job has broadened its goal and I need YOUR help! Tell the world I want to work and that recent graduates deserve a fair shot! If you have any helpful advice or critiques, shoot me an email at tparker259@yahoo.com. Here’s what I’ve been up to for the last few years (TanyaParkerResumeOH), and here’s my no-nonsense general cover letter (TanyaParkerCL). Pass it on!

Social media sparks a revelation that we, the people, have a voice, and through the democratization of content and ideas we can once again unite around common passions, inspire movements, and ignite change.

No kidding

“If you’re feeling blue, try painting yourself a different color.”

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As a young adult, the majority of my life has been spent dragging my feet through school hallways and spilling coffee on my clean clothes. In hindsight and after reading many articles on the subject, I probably shouldn’t have started drinking coffee at age 5, but too late to worry about that now. In any case, even though I’ve spent so much time in classrooms, most of my learning experiences happened outside those walls and from nonprofessionals. Honestly, a lot of what I’ve learned came from listening to and spending time with kids. What made me realize this? Well, I was sitting here thinking, “Gosh, I really want a glass of champagne, but I don’t have a reason to celebrate and maybe I really shouldn’t.” And after I thought about it, I changed my mind and decided isn’t being alive a good enough reason to celebrate? A kid wouldn’t ask, “should I eat this mud pie?” A kid would simply do it. I may have grown up and I’m much more capable of grasping the concept of potential consequences, but I don’t want it to stifle my freedom. So then this got the gears turning and now I’m thinking about all the things little munchkins have taught me and why they’re valuable lessons.

As a young female, vanity has always been a (sometimes unwelcome) concern in my life. I’ll check my outfit in the mirror several times before leaving the house, and sometimes I’ll even head out feeling like even after spending two hours getting ready, I still could look better. I obsess over the clearness of my skin and cover “blemishes” with as much caked on make-up as possible. I dye my hair to cover premature grays, I try to buy trendy clothes and accessories, I primp constantly. I put so much effort into looking seemingly suitable for public eyes, and then I spend less than five minutes with a sloppy, messy, carefree little girl and suddenly she has me questioning every minute effort. She’s wearing multi-colored, striped cotton leggings, a bright pink t-shirt with a daisy on it and lime green Crocs. Not to mention her hair is all kinds of crazy and her hands are far from clean. But the only time this little one looks in the mirror is to check my face painting handiwork before proceeding to jump up in down in utter glee. If only we could gather up this loosey-goosey, untroubled childhood attitude and keep it with us as we grow older.

When you ask a child, “why are you doing that?” it isn’t uncommon for his or her response to be, “because it’s fun!” If you asked me why I’m applying for jobs, I would most certainly say because I need to not because it’s fun. Why don’t we do more things just because we enjoy them? As adults, we find plenty of excuses and reasons why we are no longer able to do something we once enjoyed. Money is tight, time is limited, getting too old – so many tired, worn out excuses that get way too much screen time. “Katie, why are you pouring glue in your hands?” Because it’s fun to peel off the dried glue, duh! “Riley, why are you acting like a puppy?” Because it’s fun to pretend! We should do what we want even if it has no value other than pure, uninhibited enjoyment.

And what’s more is that children are unafraid to openly express their emotions. If they miss their mommy and daddy, they’ll cry and screech and yell it at the top of their lungs without fear of embarrassment. If they missed you, they’ll come storming down the road to meet you the second you come around the bend, happily screaming your name, take a running leap and land in your arms. If you hurt their feelings when you call them a dodo bird poopy brain, they have no problem telling you straight to your face. If they have to go potty and you tell them to wait a few minutes, they’ll pull on your sleeve and make demands until you attend to their needs. We grownups tend to mask our feelings or hide them and sometimes we aren’t fully honest when we should be. Leah has no problem telling me that I need to hit the gym, but some of my best girlfriends wouldn’t dare even hint at it! If I tell Noelle I’m sad today, she’ll tell me to stop being sad and just be happy. The point is, kids tell you how it is (at least in their own eyes) and it’s refreshing. Why hold back?

And finally, one of my favorite things I’ve learned from kids is how to turn mundane tasks into a game. Picking up toys can turn into a fun basketball game as you chuck each one into the toy box. The rewards system is highly effective as a kid and an adult too. Finish this blog before midnight and I can have a second glass of champagne! Pick up all the crayons and you can have a piece of candy! Life doesn’t have to be boring if we can find ways to make it fun. Disappointments just give us a reason to look forward to improvements. Success is so sweet because we know it took us a few oopsies to get there. Just because we grow up doesn’t mean we should lose our innocent excitement; it doesn’t mean we should stop thinking the word poop is funny; it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t eat milk and cookies until our bellies ache; it doesn’t mean we should grow up and forget to live. Life is still exciting and new each day and I think it would do us all some good if we acknowledged and accepted our inner child- sticky hands, smelly feet, silliness and all.