Friends and weddings

Friends and weddings

486688_10151631659386350_921427930_n

Getting married makes you realize a number of different things. Those most important being along the lines of “Hey, I’m so ready for marriage,” “I’m so in love,” “The future is looking good,” etc. You should be excited to become a member of this institution, which is something I am definitely on board with and annoyingly ecstatic about. Hooray for me!

However, the planning process of the ceremony and reception sheds light on a bunch of different things that you may have hidden far back in the recesses of your brain. The one thing that’s been aggressively brought to the forefront is the concept of “good friends.” I took my time curating a guest list partially because I needed to get estimates on costs per guest, and partially because I was so conflicted on who deserved to be invited. I’d add names to the list only to cross them off a few days later, but continue to second guess my choices even to this day – even after invitations have been sent. After college, friendships change. I understand this as an inevitable truth because it makes perfect sense to me. My life in college was incredibly different than my life as an independent working individual in society. My responsibilities were far less, my financial life was less stressful and demanding, proximity to friends wasn’t a problem and my free time was spent differently. With all these reasons and more, it makes sense that relationships have changed and will continue to change. But knowing this doesn’t necessarily make it easier.

Some friendships ended naturally. The phrase “fizzled out” seems most accurate because there was no discussion as to whether or not we’d attempt to maintain a friendship – we just gradually lost touch. However, I’ve had to make a number of hard decisions, especially around my wedding, and they’ve been prodding at me for weeks now. I’ve cut off friendships because the realization that I wasn’t being treated as I thought a friend should be treated became very clear to me. When it gets to the point where you have to have a conversation about your friendship with someone, it’s time to weigh your options and do what’s best. In one instance, I bluntly asked someone if they considered me a friend, and they responded with “sometimes.” Well, that was that. Once you reach your mid-twenties, flaky occasional friends don’t add positivity or meaning to your life. And when you realize that the other person you valued doesn’t value you the same, and perhaps they upset you more than make you happy, you cut ties to salvage your own happiness and progress on your own.

While I’ve justified all of my choices and I don’t think I’d take any of it back, it’s hard planning a wedding and intentionally not including certain people that you had hoped were forever friends. I love people. I love sharing my life experiences with other people and creating those bonds that add meaning to life. I’ve always been the type of person to give people a second, third, fourth, twentieth chance because I never wanted to let go myself. But when you’re making a decision about which people you want to share in a life changing event like a wedding, memories come flooding back that truly make you second guess things. And that’s hard to deal with. I don’t know if I’ll look back and say, “I wish I had invited so-and-so.” But the very small list of friends I have invited are individuals who have actively stayed involved and interested in my life, and genuinely care to make an effort for me. They’re the people that cheer me on or cheer me up, depending on the circumstance. They share their life stories and happily listen to mine. These people give a face to what it means to be a good friend, and I am happy to say they’re my friends. So to those of you that I’ll see on my big day, thank you for being you and being a part of my life. I’m happy to share these memories with you! And to those of you wondering where your invite is, I apologize. But friendships, as with most relationships, require an effort of some kind from each end. And my wedding is an occasion where love of all types is to be celebrated, never questioned.

And as I continue to deal with the constant flow of changing friendships, I’m happy that there are still a few people I know I can always count on to be there, no matter what. And if nothing else, it’s important to always remind yourself that every experience is either a blessing or a lesson. The lessons may be tough sometimes, but we are tougher. Cheers to the future!

“Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and the thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you – even when you don’t see it yourself.”

Size stigmas

Image

Women obsess over size. Weight, height – what have you – it’s like we’ve been conditioned to demand this unobtainable idea of size perfection the split second we’re born. And while there appears to be this gung-ho feminist/girl power movement cropping up all over the world with cheers of acceptance to those who don’t “meet” society’s idea of “attractive size,” I’m sitting over here thinking.. well, wait a minute. This is all fine and dandy, but what about girls like me? Dove’s “Love Your Body” campaign sounds inspirational and empowering, but it seems hyper-focused on the idea that there is such a thing as too skinny, and if you fall under that category, there’s something wrong with you. Real women have curves, right? Actress Sophia Bush struck up a campaign declaring that “zero is not a size” a few years ago too. And while I sit here, staring at a pile of jeans with tags that read “0,” I’m feeling rather insulted. Women are encouraged to accept their curves and rejoice over them because being rail thin is unhealthy. While in some cases, I can fully stand behind this idea (thinness caused or brought on by eating disorders or self-inflicted harm is obviously not good), those of us healthy women who are naturally petite shouldn’t feel so scrutinized! Why are “plus sized” women getting high fives while petite women are getting concerned looks?

I have always been petite. My family jokes that I was the runt of the litter, but it’s quite honestly accurate. I stand 5’2″ and hover between 90 and 100 pounds. My entire life, I’ve always had people make jokes about my size, pick me up against my will just to see how light I was, analyze my meals, hold things up high so I couldn’t reach them.. childish things that they may have thought were funny, but 20 some years later, the jokes get old. I’d even argue that I am made fun of for my size more often than someone who may be overweight. Why? Because it’s less likely for someone to feel brave enough to pick on an adult because they are overweight than to pick on someone who’s tiny. It can’t be insulting if you’re not calling them fat, right? Wrong. And it’s not only peers who chime in. I avoid seeing doctors as often as possible partly because I know they’ll accuse me of having an eating disorder. I do not have a disorder, but when people point out my perceived deficiencies, I’ll admit that it’s hard not to dwell on them. I recently started a new job that requires lifting and traveling with fairly heavy camera equipment. It never fails that on any given day, someone, whether it be a coworker or stranger who sees me on the street, makes a comment about how it looks like I’m struggling and laughs. Usually, I’m not struggling in the slightest because I’ve learned how to adjust with my small body. I believe, for my size, that I’m strong. But if you compare me to an average woman my age, you’re setting me up to fail. I am not average, and on most days, I’m happy about that. But not always.

Certain things in life are harder to handle when you’re “abnormally” small. For instance, shopping instantly becomes a nightmare. Trying on clothes that overwhelm my small figure is a blow to my ego. There are certain articles of clothing that I’ve simply had to give up on because there’s no way I can ever wear something like that unless I get it custom made. Wearing heels draws attention to my very thin legs. Wearing short sleeves exposes my scarily thin arms. Midriff-bearing tops direct all eyes to my very profound ribcage. My every outfit decision is based around the question, “do I look like an adult?” because I am so often teased for looking much younger than I am and I want it to stop. Bathing suits are a topic I can’t even delve into. I’m paranoid when I go out drinking with friends because I worry that I’ll be accused of underage drinking even with two forms of ID. I avoid eating in front of other people as much as possible because I worry they are judging not only what I’m eating, but how much I wind up eating. This makes going out to eat with friends much more stressful than it should be. I can’t reach a lot of things that most average-sized women can reach. I’ve walked away from many things that I wanted simply because I couldn’t reach it on my own and I was too embarrassed to ask for help. And while many things are merely inconveniences, a fair portion of the problems associated with my size are the mental blows to my psyche thanks to the negative stigma attached to small size.

Recently, I’ve been trying to shop for a wedding dress. While most girls get over-the-moon excited for this process, I was honestly dreading it. Most wedding dress designers don’t make gowns that would comfortably fit my frame. It’s a fair estimate to say that the smallest available size tends to be a size 2. You slip that on my body, and I’ll be swimming in it! And while I understand the fact that every gown is altered to fit the bride, tailoring costs extra the more you need done. And I’d need a lot of work! But I told myself to ignore the fact that every dress I try on will be gigantic and to envision how the final product will look. Now, if you’ve never tried to do this, let me tell you one thing: it’s really freaking hard to do. Especially when the majority of the gown is smushed up and pulled back and completely distorted from its original silhouette. It’s not easy to convince yourself that you look beautiful when you feel like your body is corrupting the whole image.

So my point is this: although I’m all for empowering women, I think we need to focus more on individuality rather than targeting certain groups and trying to lift them up over others. Acceptance, above all else, should be the focus. Plus sized women shouldn’t be cheered on if it means stomping on thin girls in the process. We need to support one another to encourage mentally and physically healthy women. And we also need to learn to accept ourselves. I have good days and I also have days where I could use encouragement. I’ve learned to put the perks of being petite above the pitfalls. And overall, I wouldn’t change who I am or how I am, but it’d be nice to feel like my size doesn’t immediately stigmatize me in society. That would be a movement I can get behind.

Once you accept your “flaws,” no one can use them against you.

The ladder

Image

Life happens at its own pace. For many things, we can’t force them to hurry up or slow down at will. While I personally find it annoying because I have the patience of a two-year-old girl, I still find myself shrugging my shoulders reciting, “it is what it is,” on many occasions. Not necessarily because I want to, but because I know that I’ve done as much as I could’ve and the rest is up to the universe. (The universe and I have a very complicated love/hate relationship.)

Most people who know me know that since I started college in the fall of 2009, I had a plan. I knew what career I wanted and I knew where I wanted to move. Ohio was so far off my radar it was like the Bermuda Triangle had swallowed it up. All my life was spent working toward this one career goal. I climbed that metaphorical ladder rung by rung as I surpassed each step on my pre-career to-do list, but it was when I had to sit back and wait that tensions began to rise. I went from feeling like I was this high achieving, well seasoned, budding journalist waiting for my big break to completely questioning my skills and abilities within a six month time period. I graduated and didn’t have any job offers yet. I sat back for months watching classmates of mine accept positions in the media field that I felt better qualified for. I was angry. Why wasn’t anyone offering me jobs? I had awesome internships, I made good contacts, I was really good at what I could do. But for whatever reason, my resumé was overlooked and I sat around unemployed for months. Eventually, my loans slapped me in the face and demanded that I start forking over excruciatingly painful payments. I needed an income.

There I was, a college graduate with dreams of working alongside fellow journalists, applying for minimum wage jobs near my hometown. I was embarrassed and nursing an understandably crushed ego while working part time as a front desk associate at a hotel near my parent’s house. For awhile, I admit I had given up on myself and succumbed to the idea that I may never work in my professional field. I blamed the job market, technology, my location. I made crazy justifications for why I couldn’t seem to get an entry level job in journalism. I didn’t tell anyone about my work situation because I didn’t want to have to admit to anyone that I wasn’t where I should’ve been. I felt out of place at work. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there, and I know all of my coworkers could tell I was aching to leave as well.

Eventually, I started getting phone calls and interviews for other jobs. I perked up quite a bit, but I kept quiet about my prospects because I didn’t want to make a huge thing out of an interview and then not receive a job offer afterward. I thought, “I really don’t need any other embarrassments right now.” After I went through my depressed stage, I started fighting really hard to get noticed for jobs. I was aggressively reaching out to hiring managers, asking other professionals for help or insight or advice and essentially jumping up and down, flailing my arms and yelling, “look at me, look at me!” But by January 2014, I had exhausted all of my ideas and started falling back into that “I-don’t-know-what-to-do-next” attitude. I had hundreds of applications floating around in cyberspace and all I could really do was wait. And feel worthless, of course. Waiting is always the hardest part.

Then one day while I was working, my phone rang. I had interviewed at this news station the previous October, but they didn’t have any job openings at the time and asked me to get back in touch in the new year. Of course, I never got in touch because I thought nothing would come of it anyway because it was a really big station that I didn’t feel I had a chance with (yeah, nice attitude!). But then they called me. Now, I’m proud to say that my first job in the media field is at a market 17 news station. I’m happy where I am and I finally feel like I fit in at work. Instead of trying to blend in with the walls, I want people to ask me about where I’m working. I want to be able to proudly say that, yeah, my first job took ages to materialize but now that I’m finally working, my job is way more impressive than your job! Of course, I’m not that rude, but it’s nice to know that it was never a matter of being unqualified or inept in my field. It just wasn’t my time yet and I had to wait for something amazing to come along.

So I learned a valuable lesson this past year. While it’s great to have goals, sometimes it’s unfair to place time limits on when you should achieve certain goals. Setting impossible expectations is quite literally setting yourself up for failure. You can’t control every aspect of your life. I told myself I needed to have a job in my field within a very short time after earning my degree, and when I didn’t meet my own expectations, it hurt. I sent myself into a spiral of second-guessing who I was and what I wanted to do, which ultimately forced the idea that I had already failed into my brain. Now I know that I didn’t fail – I didn’t do anything wrong. It just took time and patience and serious perseverance. I’m grateful that I had family and friends who continually cheered for me and kept pumping me up with positive affirmations and encouragement, reassuring me that I was good at what I did and that the perfect job would come along soon. It’s important to keep believing in ourselves too. Just because you may not be where you want to be doesn’t mean that you’ll never get there. Keep the faith and never give up. If you fall down and have to slum it for awhile, at least slum it with pride and the unquestionable knowledge that you’re making your way there, slowly but surely. And when you finally get past that hurdle, I hope you can look back like I have and say, yeah, I totally made it. I made it through that hard stuff and came out the other side stronger and more confident.

So please accept my heartfelt thanks to all of you who have always sent good vibes my way and helped keep my spirits up when I was feeling like a failure. Thank you to those who reached out a hand to help when I asked for advice or leads. Simply, thank you. It’s nice to know that there are people out there who genuinely hope I succeed and are willing to pipe in and whisper words of encouragement when they notice I’m faltering. People like you are the reason the world goes ’round, and you help make my life meaningful. Thank you so very much. I hope I do well at returning the favor.

Cheers!

The cost of love

Image

When you’re young, you never associate paperwork and deadlines with a wedding. Planning a wedding is meant to be romantic and exciting, and it’s supposed to be that “making your dreams come true” kind of time. Dresses and tuxes and flowers and dates and parties and venues – all of these things happily float around in your head until it all comes together, culminating in the best day of your life. Well, that may be true if your significant other has the same nationality as you. You could throw together a wedding tomorrow if you were in a rush and get on with your lives together immediately! But some of us aren’t that lucky.

I love my fiancé more than life. I’m so happy I met him and I’m thrilled to some day call him my husband. But while I’m still excited to actually get married, the planning process of figuring out how to actually marry my English fiancé has almost completely sucked the excitement out of my engagement. Isn’t that awful? Here’s why:

For my fiancé to come here, we would have to apply for a visa. Have you seen or heard of the show on TLC called “90 Day Fiancé?” It’s kind of like that, except way more complicated. If you happened to watch the program, you’ll have noticed that when it first started, each couple mentioned how they’ve been with his or her significant other for at least a year or more. That duration is important to note because that means there was about a 6 month block of time where they were just sitting around waiting for the visa to simply get accepted. Why would it take that long? Well, to get what’s called the K-1 Visa, there are roughly one thousand steps. First, you have to simply petition for the visa. That’s not applying, folks. You have to state your case before you can even apply! And this petition, in which you must provide biographic information (proof of citizenship, census evidence/school records or/certificates of religious rites/every minute detail of your personal existence), a police certificate (preferably a clean one!), evidence showing that you plan to marry within 90 days of entry in the U.S., evidence that you have met in person, more forms (G-325A) specially formatted passport-style photographs taken within 30 days of filing the petition and other little details are all for the low, low cost of $400! After all that stuff is turned in, then the U.S. government may still turn around and request more evidence or require you to be interviewed before accepting your petition. When and if your petition is accepted, THEN you can apply for the actual visa. This part also includes the interview. You know, like in the movie The Proposal when Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds try to get married. Seriously, it’s very similar. If all your paperwork checks out and you can prove on paper that you’re not making up your whole history and relationship, then you have to sit before a government employee and answer any questions they want to ask about you and your relationship. I’ve been told that these questions can get quite personal as well, so that sounds fun, huh? I guess you just have to hope that your relationship sounds legitimate! Plus, at this interview, you’ll also have to bring with you an incredibly insane amount of more paperwork and evidence. This stuff includes things like medical records and a recent examination demonstrating your current health, evidence of financial support (I-134) that proves that your partner will never become a financial liability on the U.S., more evidence of the relationship’s validity, more photos and, of course, payment of all the fees involved. And again, even after all this, the government can still ask for MORE. Waiting for all of this to come through can take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months.. or a year. So let’s say after all this work, the visa is approved and your partner can now come and marry you in the U.S. When they show up and go through customs, there is still the possibility that they are not granted admittance into the country. Nice, huh? If you can pass go, then you’ve got 90 days to tie the knot or get gone, buzzo! Once that rushed marriage has taken place, you can apply for a green card to become a permanent resident. Yup, more paperwork, more waiting and more gambling. Even if you’ve gotten married, you can’t legally work in the country until you’ve applied for and been granted authorization to do so (I-485). So after you’ve dropped a couple thousand dollars on applications, petitions and forms, you may have tallied anywhere from 6 to 8 months worth of just waiting. Let’s hope that through all that stress, you were still able and excited to plan your wedding to take place in that 90 day time block!

What’s more is that while you’re waiting for your significant other to be able to move to you and be with you for good, you put your visa acceptance at risk if you plan any long visits to see each other during the waiting period. Why? Well, you have a love interest in the country and you’ve already expressed a desire to stay with them, so who’s to say you won’t just pop over for a visit and then never leave? Can’t have that! That’s illegal immigration!

So after I became frustrated and concerned that I couldn’t personally meet the threshold of the minimum income requirement to prove financial stability, and how the wait time was anywhere from half a year to 8 months, I turned to see if UK immigration was an easier process. Although very similar in terms of the process, I found that the red tape was a little looser and more flexible. Financial requirements aren’t as rigid and allow for more options, the paperwork and applications are processed and accepted (or denied) in a much quicker time frame (as soon as a few weeks!), and there aren’t fees on fees on fees each time a new form is filled out. However, the process is still just as much of a gamble, still very costly, very demanding and stressful and more or less the same as the U.S. process. The main things that appealed to me were the possibility of moving quicker and the ease of understanding the application process.

So while we wait the required 6 months that is necessary since we both accepted new jobs and need to do so in order to meet the financial requirements for either country’s visa, all I can do is anticipate and prepare as much as possible for the upcoming work involved in getting married. Now you can see why it’s upsetting and difficult to plan your long-awaited for wedding (seriously long) when you’ve got so many other things on your mind! The outside support from friends and family who are genuinely excited for our happiness helps redirect the focus from paperwork to bliss. Nevertheless, as with many things in life, there are naysayers that chime in, and sometimes it seems they’re louder than the cheerleaders. Love found across countries is a seesaw dipping back and forth between pure joy and stress.

And although I wouldn’t trade my fiancé for anything or anyone in the world and I don’t regret saying yes to marriage, I urge you to look at your own situation and learn to appreciate things that you two can do that isn’t a guarantee for others. Be able to look at your relationship and say, “yes, this IS a lucky kind of love” and learn to stifle your complaints about doing long distance or arguing over where you want to live or what have you. There are always ways in which it could be harder and there will always be people out there who may have things a bit more complicated. Love your love and always be grateful. And always remember, through any and all the stress, you’ve always got each other. Together is where you want to be, and do what you’ve got to do to get there. Whatever it takes!

Wants, needs and the struggle of choice

Image

“One of the most troublesome things in life is that what you do or do not want has very little to do with what does or does not happen”

We are creatures of habit. We like routines and plans and knowing what’s in store. Let’s face it – most of what we choose to do is chosen merely to try to force a particular, desired outcome later down the line. Those of us who claim to be spontaneous and adventurous aren’t 100 percent honest because even then, we are making a choice to obtain a specific result. The difference is we do so suddenly and very quickly, right? Personally, I’ve always been the type of person to prepare and plan well in advance to avoid any surprises popping up in the future. Realistically, this is an absolute ridiculous mindset because it’s impossible to deter all surprises, but I did my best to mitigate as much as I could. I always had a plan and a pocket calendar to write it all down in pen – never pencil. There’s no room for uncertainty like that in my planner! But my problem was that although I felt prepared for the things I had control over, this didn’t equip me to deal with changes to my plans gracefully. So while 21-year-old Tanya would’ve insisted that I would be out of the country by the summer after graduation and writing for some great foreign company, she was blindsided by what the universe actually threw at her. So while my plan was and still is to get out and live elsewhere, the timing has changed drastically and I was forced to readjust. And that, as some of you may know, is not an easy thing to do.

Hunter S. Thompson said, “On some days, you get what you want and on others, you get what you need.” What tends to be tough to swallow is that what you want may not be what you need… and vice versa. They don’t always go hand in hand, so how do we prioritize between the two? To put it more simply: which matters more? Obviously, this is completely up to your own interpretation, but I think it comes down to specific scenarios. For example, I want out of my hometown, but I need to feel secure enough to move far away. My desire to move is completely reliant on being properly prepared to actually follow through. So in my mind, this means many things: secure finances, sufficient work experience and timing. However, I always struggle with that last condition because that falls outside the realm of my control and sometimes my understanding. How will I know if the timing is right or not? Is the timing a direct result of whether or not I have the other two conditions fulfilled? And when you spend so much time trying to figure this all out in your own head, it tends to end with you throwing your hands up in the air and sighing, “Well, hopefully I’ll just know,” as if we think our intuition will guide us the right way. But our gut’s been wrong before, remember? Oh, great. Now what?!

In my personal example, I chose to go with what I needed more so than what I wanted at that moment in time. It was a painfully hard decision to make that was met with many tears and empty demands to know why (Oh, why!!) I had to make such a choice. I had a limited amount of time to decide, for myself, what mattered most. That’s an immense amount of pressure to deal with without knowing what, exactly, would follow. So did I make the right choice? I have no idea. Ask me in 20 years. For now, I think it’s best to just hunker down and stick to what I chose. Ride it out to the fullest and revel in it. I didn’t throw my fate up in the air to chance, so I have to be content with my decision.

“I’ve been doing this a long time, and I’ve come to learn that predictions don’t mean much. Too much lies outside the realm of medical knowledge. A lot of what happens next comes down to you and your specific genetics, your attitude. No, there’s nothing we can do to stop the inevitable, but that’s not the point. The point is that you should try to make the most of the time you have left.”

I know that even more changes will spring up down the road and I will have to face them without having prepared for them. That’s the way life goes, right? Sometimes I’ll have to deal with things one-by-one, other times everything will barrel toward me at full speed all at once. I will continue to try to plan for a future the best I can, but I have to allow myself some wiggle room for when the plan has to change. It’s all about attitude and how we act when things don’t go our way. As I said, we can’t control time but we can control how we spend it. So make the tough choices not because you have to, but because you want to keep going and living and growing. And when things don’t exactly go to plan, don’t take it personally. Adjust. “‘It’s not a personal world,’ he told me, ‘no matter how much of it recognizes you on the street.'”

Wealth of travel

Image

Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sites; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.

A gypsy is a nomadic individual, commonly described as free-spirited and unattached. Although you’re probably imagining Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, gypsies do still exist today, mostly populating parts of Europe. And although all people have basically adapted and changed to accept a new modern lifestyle, gypsies still remain true to their nomadic heritage. I have never met an individual that identifies as a gypsy, but I’ve met the other extreme: the homebody settler. These are the people who make a home and refuse to leave it or explore the rest of the world not because they’re unable financially or for other legitimate reasons, but because they simply don’t want to. Now, I’m a firm believer that traveling does a person good for many reasons. It broadens your horizons, you get to interact with people who may have different ideals, beliefs, cultures or lifestyles than what you’re used to, you can explore history firsthand and with your own eyes, you can physically separate yourself from the stress that awaits you at home — quite frankly, I can only think of seriously positive reasons to pack up and go elsewhere every once in a while. Perhaps I am entirely biased, being a self-proclaimed nomad in training, but how can you fully understand what is happening around the world if you’re only reading about it or hearing about it from others? There’s no better way to understand than to put yourself there!

There are plenty of lists out there about why you should travel, but there are a few key reasons I think are most important to highlight.

1. Traveling is a learning experience. The act of traveling outside of your comfort zone (metaphorically and literally) forces you to figure things out on your own. You can learn how to read a map, how public transportation works, how to manage your time between flights. You learn these things because you have to in that moment otherwise you might miss the next train! But you also get to learn in a broader way – learning how certain people live and how it differs, learning about the past, learning about world, regional, local issues, learning cultural differences and language. The world quickly becomes your classroom and -gasp!- you’re a willing, eager student now! When you travel away from home, you are opening your mind a little bit more each time and learning and changing all the time. Heck, you might find yourself jumping ship from ideas you once held firm simply because travel opened your mind to other opinions. Trust me, it happens!

2. Traveling is good for your health. How many times have you gone on vacation and never left the hotel room? Never? Exactly! When you go somewhere away from home, you’re much more likely to be active and constantly on the move. Sightseeing, hikes, walking around famous shopping centers for hours – all of these things keep you active, and when you’re excited about something, those good chemicals start flowing in your brain! We all know about the scary research about desk jobs and how harmful they can be to your health when you’re sitting for long periods of time, so use that as your excuse to pack your bags and get out for a while. Besides its positive effects on medical health, traveling can also do wonders for your mental health. Shred the stress, let down the barriers and accept the exciting act of adventuring. It’s liberating!

I expected my list of reasons to travel to be much longer than two reasons, but quite frankly, I think that’s plenty. We’re encouraged to travel a lot when we’re young, but I don’t think age matters. The only reason we’re told this is because when you’re young, you have less responsibilities and more free time. However, I don’t think it matters when you go so long as you do go. It’s never too late to learn and grow. There are no excuses that should permanently thwart your ability to travel. If you don’t have money, start saving. If you don’t have time, make time. If you don’t have a plan, get creative. If you’re not uncomfortable, you’re probably not growing. So don’t be afraid of having to bunk down in a hostel in Europe because those scary tales about hostels being gross, dingy and unsafe are all just that — tales! And even if you do wind up in a less than conventional situation, imagine how fun it’ll be to tell that story later on? We learn as we go, but if you’re standing still, you probably won’t learn as much. Just go. You’ll be glad you did.

I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list.

Correcting tunnel vision

SAM_4622

Perhaps this is going to sound hypocritical, but not many people can do what I’ve done and be humble about it. I’ve worked my butt off for so very long to achieve what I have, and I’m satisfied. This feeling, right now, is exactly what I hoped I would feel.

– June 1, 2013

It’s easier than you think to lose sight of the important things in life. When I graduated college, I wrote a blog detailing how I felt about my life leading up to that day and what I hoped would be in my future and posted it on Facebook. Only four people liked it and two bothered to comment, but I was still glad I wrote it because it was true to how I felt and I knew I wouldn’t want to forget that feeling. Seven months later, I forgot that feeling until I went to the movies tonight and saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I walked out of that theater feeling completely jazzed about life, about possibilities and about truly making the most of the days I have left on this earth. It forced me to take a hard look at how I’ve been thinking these last few months and how I need to get back on track.

The job market hasn’t been kind to me lately. I’ve made this blatantly obvious, but I’ve also been kicking up a lot of dirt just because I thought it would make me feel better. Although it may help a little, it hasn’t changed my situation.. so I know that means I need to change my attitude. I don’t have the full time job in my field that I wanted right now, but I do have a job. That’s more than some people, and I should really quit griping about it. See? A positive from a negative. The societal pressure to go to college and get a job in your degree of study immediately upon graduation is incredibly intense and, in my opinion, a very skillfully created brainwashing technique to churn out a workforce rapidly. I think college was a good choice for me because I truly enjoy learning, but I know plenty of people who didn’t go to college and are sitting much prettier than I am at the moment! The point is, a lot of us allow this grand plan to get in the way of our own desires and I think that’s why we stray and stress so much. Yes, I want a job, but not at the expense of my psyche, my health or my happiness. I can still be proud of who I am and what I’ve done instead of sulkily skimming through online job applications and shamefully hiding away from inquiring minds. I have not fallen from grace because I don’t have a full time job in communications. Furthermore, I (and so many others) need to stop beating ourselves up for not knowing exactly what we want to do in life. It’s okay not to have a steadfast plan, and feeling uncomfortable means you’re growing.

…But I simply can’t predict how I will feel once I step outside this comfort zone, so the only thing I can do is just.. leap. It’s not a plan and that’s scary, but it’s also liberating.

Confucius said, “it does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.” I’ve never considered myself to be foolish and certainly not a quitter. My end goal is still to find a job I can enjoy more than the one I’m working at now, but I think I need to stop making myself feel guilty because I’m not where I thought I would be. There are plenty of other things that happened in the last year that I didn’t plan for, but they’ve gloriously changed my life for the better. Yes, I still feel like I need help finding the job that’s right for me, but I need to quit obsessing over it. I’ve had a lot of opportunities fall into my lap at a very young age, and this is the first time I’ve had to work so hard to achieve a goal. But you know what? Perseverance is good for us! So while it’s important to remember what it is exactly that we’re looking for and what we want out of life in the grand scheme of things, it’s also important to live in the now and appreciate the little things. For example, I can move anywhere in the world because I have nothing tying me here, I can spend days in a row with friends or family members because I’m fortunate enough to have time off frequently and I can stick to what I want… or change my mind whenever I feel like it! So what do YOU want?

I want to keep learning. Not from books or computers, but from life, people and through experiences. I want excitement and freedom and to always find joy in the simple things. And most importantly, I want to continue to enjoy what I do no matter how long I’m doing it for.

Maybe these aren’t the best conditions or requirements for a specific job. In fact, they’re incredibly broad and vague and I doubt any employer would snatch me up if I said these were the things I was looking for in a job. 14-year-old Tanya would be so disappointed in me now for changing the plan. But the truth is, having a plan may be responsible.. but straying from the plan and going after what will make you feel best is the most fulfilling. I don’t want to follow the rules or the expectations that others have set for me because that’s not what will make my life fulfilling. So although I don’t yet have that “perfect” job I hoped I would be working by now, I know I’m going to get there. And when I do, it won’t even feel like work.

So until then, I’m going to follow my heart and continue to learn from experience. And even though I’m still scared out of my wits and worried about where this will all take me, I’m confident that I’m going where I need to go and those who matter will be with me and support me throughout the journey.

This moment is the best moment. You can go anywhere, be anything and do anything you want. The choices are daunting and sometimes worrisome, but there’s one beautiful loophole: if you don’t like where your path has taken you, you can choose a different route just as easily.

New angles

nyhab

Rejection emails are the worst. Especially the vague, standard, sometimes automated emails that simply add to the suspicion that even if you are truly enthusiastic and well equipped for a job, you don’t matter unless you can prove it on paper. Passion is an asset that employers should seek out, but it appears that more and more companies have values elsewhere. I applied for an entry-level social media position at New York Habitat because I felt passionately about the work the company does, I knew it was a job I would enjoy and I wholeheartedly felt I possessed all of the qualities – both in my personality and my knowledge within the field of work – to perform well and quite frankly, make improvements. The millennial  generation is one that is not only eager to learn and make their mark in this world, but has also grown up learning to use improving technology to their advantage. Many current job listings in marketing, for example, are advertising positions that seek 5+ years experience in digital marketing when digital marketing only just became an effective form of marketing within the last few years. Therefore, how can companies use an experience level like this as a prerequisite when it’s literally impossible to possess? It makes more sense to hire some hot-shot recent graduate who has been effectively using digital marketing nonstop for the last few years, who is constantly looking for new ideas and better ways to make an impact because that’s exactly what they’ve known to do throughout their young lives. Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe a middle-aged individual who learned marketing in the 80s deserves the position. I’m not saying recent graduates should always prevail when it comes to new hires, but in certain fields, it makes sense. What do you think?

I’ve read a whole bunch of articles and blogs that give advice to recent graduates about how to snag a job. I’ve read them, I’ve nodded and agreed that I possess the main qualities employers look for, and yet here I still sit– skimming through automated rejection emails with no way to find out why my application didn’t meet the company’s “needs.” As mentioned in my previous blog, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to show that I deserve a job in my field that I can enjoy. Within 24 hours of posting, “What works,” more than 240 individuals across the globe read my blog. Not only that, but people I don’t even know personally were sharing the link on social media, reaching out to the company I wanted to work for and telling them that I deserved an interview. Not only is that humbling, but the fact that these people were basing this belief merely on the fact that they could see my unique passion via blog post surely must mean a lot, right? So here’s my question: What am I doing wrong?

I’m aware that the job market sucks for recent graduates. Nevertheless, I don’t want to use this as an excuse for why I can’t seem to get a job doing something I’m qualified for and can honestly enjoy. If it’s something that is going to dominate the majority of our waking lives, we shouldn’t compromise for it. Simple as that.

Since my first unique attempt at getting an employer’s attention didn’t go to plan, I’m going to augment it a tad. So here is my open cover letter to any employer or recruiter looking for a new hire, or for any individual who wishes to aid in my job search. Feel free to share this blog with social media – Tweet, Facebook, share on LinkedIn or Google+, pin on Pintrest – whatever! Operation Find Tanya A Job has broadened its goal and I need YOUR help! Tell the world I want to work and that recent graduates deserve a fair shot! If you have any helpful advice or critiques, shoot me an email at tparker259@yahoo.com. Here’s what I’ve been up to for the last few years (TanyaParkerResumeOH), and here’s my no-nonsense general cover letter (TanyaParkerCL). Pass it on!

Social media sparks a revelation that we, the people, have a voice, and through the democratization of content and ideas we can once again unite around common passions, inspire movements, and ignite change.

What works.

Image
As a recent graduate, I’m no stranger to the job application process. It’s tedious, repetitive and increasingly less personal, what with most applications done electronically and sent through to a recruiting agency rather than a direct employer. Without impressive credentials, your application quickly falls to the wayside and the time you spent writing that job specific cover letter was wasted. I know the feeling well, but what can you do? Well, I’ve done everything from tweeting the company I applied to work for, stalking HR reps on LinkedIn and sending direct emails to whatever email address affiliated with the job posting I could find. It’s not easy to get noticed when technology sticks a wall in front of you, but we do the best we can. And since I’m not satisfied working a minimum wage part time job for the rest of my life, I’m going to try a brand new tactic– this blog post.I like to think that my résumé is impressive for a recent graduate. I’m not cocky, but I’ve been lucky enough to nab some exclusive and brag-worthy internships back to back, and my university exposed me to many more opportunities than some other schools could’ve done. I write, photograph, videotape, market, advertise– I’m a jack of all trades in the communications field, jumping up and down like a lunatic just trying to get noticed. And still, nothing. I bet there’s a group of recent graduates out there feeling the exact same way I am, AND eager to work! (What?!)

When looking for a job, it’s important to know what you can do, but also determine what kind of work you actually want to do. Before attending my university, I wanted to be a foreign correspondent. After spending four years reporting the news here, there and everywhere, I now know that’s not what I want to continue pursuing post graduation. People will constantly ask, “what do you want to do?” and it’s probably smart to have a precise answer for that question. I want to write, take photos and video and travel. I’ve hopped all over the United States since the day I was born, and the minute I saved up enough money, I was on the first plane to Europe, soaking up as much culture as possible. This is a lifestyle I love, so I know it’s what I want. However, as a recent grad, this sure comes as a tall order for a first job straight out of the gate, right? Well, maybe. If you’re capable of doing the job and doing it well and also have a willingness to learn, you’re just as qualified as Joe Schmo with five years under his belt. Entry level or not, if you think you have what it takes, go for it. Opportunity doesn’t wait for anyone.

Speaking of opportunity, let’s get back to the point of this post. This is entirely self serving, but I need your help to get me out of my minimum wage job and into a job that I’m better qualified for– and frankly, one I think I deserve at this point in my life. Since I feel I’m quickly exhausting/annoying my resources to gain attention, I’ve had to think outside of the box. I’m also banking this on the assumption that a couple of people actually read my blogs, are interested in me and what I have to say… and possibly want to help me get a job(?). I’ve found a few jobs I really dig, but I recently stumbled upon a position at New York Habitat,  an international real estate and travel agency, that sounds perfect. They’re looking for a social media and marketing assistant to essentially pitch in with their social media accounts and maintain engagement with followers through posts, optimization and blogging. Bottom line, I’m social media obsessed, I’m creating new blog sites every few months just for fun, I currently work in the hotel industry and I’ve got a serious case of wanderlust– sounds like this position was created FOR me, eh? But even if I feel that way, it doesn’t mean my application will be seen or considered under the piles of other applicants. So help a recent grad out and tweet, Facebook, comment on Tumblr or find a contact email address on New York Habitat’s website and tell them to give me a shot! I know it’s a bit bizarre and may not do a thing for me, but I’m not willing to give up until I’ve exhausted all options. All I can do is hope there are people out there who care enough to take a minute to help. We all have to start somewhere, right? So if you’re feeling generous, provide them with my email (tparker259@yahoo.com) or Twitter handle @_TanyaParker and maybe then I’ll get noticed. In fact, if you know of any other jobs that sound similar or may interest me, let’s have a chat. I’m more than willing to return the favor since I’m painfully aware of how this stage in life feels. Let’s give the recent grads a fighting chance!

Trying and not succeeding is not failure; it’s part of the process of discovering what works.

Stave off stress

Keep calm & carry on

photo (11)

In my very limited observations, I’ve noticed that many 20-somethings appear to be overwhelmingly stressed more often than not. From personal experience, I can say that I’ve certainly had my fair share of anxiety and panic attacks, have broken out with stress pimples, found myself lying awake at night incapable of falling asleep and many times, I just exhaust myself with worries. If I’m doing these things and I’m aware of it, I’m sure there are many others in similar positions. And although there are times when it feels like stress is running my life, it’s important to understand that there are easy ways to relieve stress. Your twenties are massively transitional – permanently moving out of your parent’s house, landing a full-time job, paying bills and loans off, looking for a partner to settle down with – a whole lot changes very quickly. As we celebrate each birthday during our teens, we’re painfully aware of the changes that are looming ahead in our twenties, but no amount of mental preparation can truly prepare you for what’s in store. So that’s why I did some research involving stress in young adults. It may not be something I can change, but it’s something I can learn to manage much better.

Stress is defined in the dictionary as, “a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.” As a recent graduate, I can certainly relate to the feeling of facing demanding circumstances frequently. Not sure if you’re stressed? Check out some of the symptoms here. Chances are, if you’re nodding your head yes to many of these symptoms, the stress monster has you in its grip. But if you find yourself hyperventilating before an upcoming exam that you don’t feel prepared for, don’t even take the time to look up your symptoms. I can tell you right now, you’re totally stressed out and you need to find your center again!

As a veteran anxiety attack victim, I’ve learned ways to calm myself down quickly before I feel like I’ve completely lost control. Been there too? Then let’s toss out some plans of attack to keep the enemy at bay.

When I start feeling overwhelmed, one of the first things I do is step away from what I’m doing and make myself a cup of tea. Many teas are said to actually help calm you down, although I can’t say it’s foolproof. I’ll brew a cup of chamomile or peppermint tea, and while I sip, the only thing I allow my mind to think of is how the tea tastes. You’d be amazed at how a few minutes can keep your anxiety in check. Plus, staying hydrated is definitely helpful too. Now, I’m a big coffee drinker and I’d pick coffee over tea almost any day, but caffeine definitely does not help in moments of stress. Tea is your best bet. But if you don’t dig tea and still want the calming benefits of the scent of chamomile or something similar, pop out to the store and buy a scented candle or two and light those babies up! The smell can just as easily calm you if you’re making sure to stop and take a moment to focus on the smell of the candle and nothing else.

If tea doesn’t help on its own, I’ll flip on some soothing classical music. Personally, I prefer classical piano with Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” (Piano Sonata No. 14 in C♯ minor) as my go-to favorite. Music has been said to help individuals deal with stress, pain and other related ailments in many research studies, so it’s a pretty solid option. If classical music isn’t your thing, turn on your favorite pop songs from the 2000s and sing along. That’ll help reduce your stress levels too!

Maybe a few minutes of distraction isn’t enough for you to calm down. If that’s the case, another trick of the trade is some old-fashioned exercising. I’m not a huge fan of any kind of exercise, but it gets those endorphins pumping and can change your mood real quick. While you’re singing along to that pop song, get up and move too! Or get flexible with yoga or pilates, lift weights, do push-ups or sit-ups, jog around the block or if all of this is way too intense for you, slip on your tennis shoes and just go for a brief walk. Removing yourself from the environment where you were feeling the most stressed does wonders.

A few other things that may help fight off stress and anxiety are breathing exercises, massages, participating in a specific hobby like crafting, playing a game, watching funny videos (laughter is the best medicine!), playing with or petting a dog, cooking, or even allowing yourself to have a good cry can be amazingly cathartic. What’s important is that you find a way to distract yourself from what’s bothering you, and you’ll have to find what works best for you on your own.

So no matter what you do, at least make sure you’re doing something to minimize the stress. If you just let it consume you, chronic stress and anxiety have the ability to seriously impact your health. So be proactive and don’t get too caught up in strife and worries. Help yourself when you notice that you’re faltering or ask for it if you’re unsure of what to do. And just as good ol’ Walt Disney once said, “Why worry? If you’ve done the very best you can, worrying won’t make it any better.”

Cheers to a happier, healthier you!