To smell the flowers

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It’s been a funny few months. I say ‘funny’, but I don’t mean ‘haha’ funny. More like a peculiar, confusing funny. The ‘I’ll laugh otherwise I’d cry’ kind of funny, although I’ve still admittedly shed quite the volume of tears over the past few months (though some that know me would say this isn’t necessarily unusual for me). The point is, I’ve run the gamut of emotions in a condensed amount of time, and it’s left me feeling really weird lately. An emotion I can’t quite pinpoint. How annoying. 

It’s been understandably difficult dealing with my husband’s evolving medical issues, though I can say after more than 6 years of relentless, terrifying situations, I genuinely feel like we face these issues with much more pragmatic attitudes than ever before. It never stops being terrifying and emotional, but I’m immensely proud of the way we’ve faced recent events and pushed ahead with logic. Though we’d give anything (literally anything!) not to have to deal with this crap, in a twisted way, I’m grateful that we, as individuals and as a pair, have become better versions of ourselves off the back of what we’ve experienced. Just the fact that I can type this now shows that I’ve grown a lot as a person – that I can take a step back from the chaos and analyse it logically. And better yet, that I can admit that there’s any glimmer of a silver lining in the shitty cards we’ve been dealt in life shows how far I’ve come. Every cloud, eh?

As a quick update for those following this insane medical journey: we’ve found a private neurologist in the last few months who my husband describes as ‘the best doctor’ he’s ever had. And considering his medical history, you can be damn sure he’s seen plenty, so this judgment points to good things. The doctor treats us like human beings (gasp!), has a sensible approach to health backed by science (not always a guarantee these days) and genuinely seems to want to help. This is the first time we’ve not felt like lepers in a doctor’s office. It’s still early days in my husband’s current treatment, but we’ve got a course of action… and then several other courses of action planned should the first one not pan out. So in short: we’re happy and optimistic – something we weren’t feeling at the start of the year. Fingers crossed the trajectory continues this way.

Whilst all this was going on in the background, as is usual fashion for me, a tornado was wreaking havoc in other parts of my life too. I’m still waiting for the reality TV crew to jump out from their hiding spots, but until then…

The company I work for went through some major internal structural changes recently that left my entire team facing redundancy. It happened very quickly – we were told our roles were being made redundant, proposed new positions were explained, those who wanted to stay had to interview for these very few new open roles, then we were told if we were successful or if we were out the door. All within 30 days. As you can imagine, this was incredibly stressful and emotional. I went through every stage of grief, no lie, and I for sure had severe moments of ‘why now, why me?!’. Nevertheless, I pushed through the best I could, and I attribute that both to the strength I’ve found in past life experiences, as well as to the people who helped prop me up and cheer me on throughout the process. Though I’m grateful I landed a new role at the company I love so much, I’m simultaneously grieving the loss of many fabulous colleagues and friends. It’s a complicated time, gang.

I went on a much-needed holiday, then came home and immediately fell very ill for a very long time. I faced conflicts with people I love. I made distant future plans knowing life could change by then. I went to the doctor for myself – twice! I’ve been let down. I’ve been surprised. I’ve been socially awkward and shockingly social.

These last few months have forced me to think about my own wants and needs much more critically, and to make very hard decisions quickly. I’m not a fan of making quick decisions on a normal day, so it’s been particularly difficult of late. I’ve had way too many anxiety attacks to count, but whilst they’ve been frequent, they’ve been brief. I’m slowly learning how to regularly claw my way out of these moments (with obvious external help from those around during an episode – thank you!), and so I say again: every cloud.

I’ve made regular use of the ‘block’, ‘unfriend’ and ‘hide’ functions on social media platforms, protecting myself from toxic people who trigger me. I thought this would be hard to do – I don’t like the aggressive feeling of doing this – but I can honestly say that it’s helped me so much more than I could’ve expected. I’ve also made use of the word ‘no’. Little miss ‘too-afraid-to-disappoint-people’ and ‘gives-everyone-10-billion-second-chances’ has given firm nos to negative influences who’ve tried to reach out. Who am I?! I won’t say this was easy to do in the moment, but after doing it once and realising I was better off for it, I find myself becoming much more comfortable looking after myself and not feeling guilty for doing it. Guess this is growing up, ya’ll!

I don’t think I’m feeling optimistic or particularly positive, but the main thing is that I’m trying to. It’s taken me many, many years, but I now feel like it’s okay to put myself first. This doesn’t mean that I care less about anyone else, but rather I care so much that I want to ensure I’m putting the best version of myself forward first. Not the tired, broken down version I previously offered. I’m not saying I’m killing the game over here – I still have bad days where I just can’t get a grip on my anxiety and collapse into a ball of erratic, irrational emotions. But I can say I don’t feel like a failure on these days anymore. I am allowed to feel broken. I am allowed to be angry and resentful about the cards I’ve been dealt. I’m allowed to have ‘woe is me’ days. But above all this, I know I’m allowed to be happy and continue to seek happiness. I’m allowed to change my mind and my mood. I’m allowed to be! It’s crazy that I’m only just now coming to this realisation, but I’m very glad I did.

And now, I think I’ll take some time to stop and smell the flowers. It’s a crazy life, folks. But there’s always a little beauty to see. You just gotta know where to look for it.

(From) Whence I came.

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As time ticks along, I find myself constantly thinking what I may be doing if I weren’t where I am now. And mostly, I guess I’m just trying to figure out if I miss my American life. Not to say I’m not happy with the choices I’ve made to lead me to this day, but I think it may be human nature to simply wonder “what if?”

As news kicks up in Cleveland, putting my beloved city back in the spotlight for positive reasons, I can’t help but wish I were still around to experience some of it first-hand. Maybe not so much the upcoming RNC, as it certainly poses a lot of logistical obstacles downtown that I’m quite happy to be away from, but I wish I could be in the thick of the atmosphere in general. I desperately miss watching Cavs games, especially now that they’re in the finals and I can’t follow along at 2am on work nights. I also miss having people around to talk about the games because, annoyingly, the NBA isn’t a hot topic over here! I miss wandering the streets downtown, going out with the masses on the weekends and I miss the greenery in the surrounding suburbs. And the lake. Boy do I miss seeing that beaut. Don’t get me wrong – I love London and all it has to offer, but it’s lacking that familiarity and comfort I think I had in Ohio. Perhaps that’s something that will come to me in time.

In work, I surprisingly find myself jealous of my ex-co-workers back at the TV station. When I first left, I was happy to dive into a new industry and try something else out. The depressing side of news photography was heavily weighing on me, and I didn’t want a jaded worldview so young. But now that I’m on the outside looking in, I actually wish I had that seriously heavy camera and tripod to carry around with me every day again. I loved being the first to learn about things, and I got to meet some really awesome people in my short time in news. I can’t help but wonder if I had stuck with it, what else could I have experienced? But such is life, right?

My new job is equally fun, but in different ways. I’ve been given my creativity back in this job. I get to come up with fun story ideas circulating around a topic I’m passionate about: travel. And while some days I wish I weren’t desk-bound, I remind myself on crappy weather days how I used to hate having to work outside in the elements. No more wearing 7 layers of clothing to prevent frostbite and struggling to hit the buttons on the camera with my semi-frozen hands. Or walking around in torrential downpours, frantically trying to keep my camera equipment dry. I’ve got a desk to call my own, which is strangely empowering considering how inconsequential it may seem to others. And with everything I may miss about my old job, there’s an equally long list of aspects I certainly do not. So I try to remind myself that I chose to redirect my career trajectory on purpose, and that that choice was the correct one. Will that change again? Possibly. And I think it’s my prerogative to do so as often as I want!

I’m happy here, more so now that I’ve had time to settle in, meet new people and have a routine. But I also think now that I’m finding London ‘home,’ it makes me feel nostalgic about what I’ve left behind. I’m sure all of this is normal, but for me, it’s the first time I’ve ever actually missed my hometown, so it’s a new emotion to face. And maybe, eventually, some of my friends from back home will be able to visit and bring a taste of the CLE with them. Until then, know I’m thinking about you all and miss you dearly! And London is still fabulous and exciting, but hasn’t changed my Northeast Ohio soul one bit. Cleveland strong, baby!

Finding home

12241591_10153788546021350_2546363106105606442_n-1It’s been six months since I’ve officially relocated to the UK, and to say it’s been a rollercoaster ride is a slight understatement. I anticipated an adjustment period, considering the fact that I was leaving behind everything familiar and opting for complete immersion into a new home, new environment and new people. But despite having lived in the UK for a few months in the summer of 2012, it was far more destabilising this time around. I think the fact that this move was permanent contributed to that emotion. But six months in, I think I’ve found my centre at last… and the ability to write as if I were a native Brit.

Anxious excitement dominated my first month or two, which makes sense because I was eager to close the gap and be here, but I had no idea what life would be like once I actually moved. That realisation started to seep into my brain toward the end of my second month, beginning of the third. My excitement quickly turned serious when I began looking for work to fill my free time and become a contributing member of society. I began this stage with apprehension, knowing full well how difficult it was finding the right job back in the states after graduation and worrying I’d find a similar struggle here. Now that it’s over with and I’ve found work, I feel pretty confident saying it was easier and quicker to find a job than it was a few years ago, but it certainly felt like a never-ending, soul-crushing experience.

It was about when I’d sent out around twenty job applications and the rejection emails started coming through that I felt myself slipping into a darker mind-set. I swiftly went from “I’m going to get a job!” to “I’m never going to get a job,” which, as you can imagine, wasn’t a fun thought train to ride. For the next few months, I was a wretch to be around (shout out to my amazing husband for putting up with this nonsense!), having slipped deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole with each passing day. I slept for ages and never felt rested when I finally pried myself out of bed, I hardly ate, I very rarely took the time to dress myself or make an effort on my appearance and I started questioning my every decision. But from the outside looking in, I made damn sure that any and all my connections back home and on social media thought I was cheery and enjoying my time off work because I didn’t want anyone to think I was pathetic or wasting away in London – even though that’s exactly how I felt.

I’ve battled depression before, but this was a new level I hadn’t experienced yet. I was so deep in it that it took me a very long time to even notice that I was, in fact, depressed. Coupled with the extreme anxiety and desperation to find work, it was a debilitating tug-of-war that left me utterly empty and defeated. Everything ached all the time despite having hardly moved all day every day, headaches plagued me regularly and I sought refuge under the covers more often than not. Part of the time, I wondered if I was genuinely sick and contemplated visiting my GP, but in hindsight, I now know better. Some days I was able to pull myself out of the fog to send out another job application or two, but eventually it became so much work just to think of positive things to say about myself in a cover letter that I just left it… for weeks at a time.

After a few months, I finally understood what was going on and reached out to my husband to help me not only find positivity, but to fully invest myself in finding a job. Thrilled that I was taking the initiative to make a change, he gave me a new perspective and ideas on how to improve my job search tactics. I’m forever grateful to him for his help, because not only did it give me the boost of encouragement I needed at the right time, it also brought responsive replies from the new jobs I was now applying for. These replies eventually led to interviews where I felt I could finally demonstrate, in person, what I could bring to the table.

An onslaught of rejection emails were replaced with interview opportunities and eventually having to choose between two jobs. What started out as a bleak search turned into a plentiful choice, and the sudden change in my outlook was enthusiastically welcomed. I finally felt like I had purpose again, had my footing balanced and could re-emerge into the world bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

These last six months have served as a harsh reminder that life is better handled with some outside help, and it’s okay to ask for words of comfort when they’ve been depleted from your own arsenal. I’m much happier now even compared to when I first arrived on UK soil. My relationship is stronger than ever, I’ve got a job I enjoy in a brand new industry and I’ve learned how to recognise negative thinking and come out the other side a better person. It wasn’t an easy journey and I don’t hope to repeat it any time in the near future, but I think it was necessary to teach me that I have value even when I don’t feel like I do. Starting your life over at a young age is an intoxicating idea, but it’s certainly not for the faint of heart. I’ve had to remind myself that most people would also struggle with such drastic changes all at once, and I’m not a weaker person because of it. I’m indebted to those who helped me realise my worth during a tough time, and encouraged me to find different ways to make London feel like home. I can confidently say that now, that’s exactly what it feels like. Even if it took me six months to get here. Better late than never, right?

Home is where you make it

Carry on.

This blog has quickly turned into a place where I pour out complicated details of my life, but I suppose that’s healthy and if people want to read it – cool.

My job gives me an opportunity to meet a lot of people under many different circumstances. They tell me intimate details about their lives, and some are heartbreaking and hard to hear. But as with any situation, I try to walk away having learned something new about life.. as well as myself.

In the news industry, you’ve really got to have a thick skin because you see, hear and experience a lot of traumatizing things. So one thing I’ve learned about myself is that if I can classify something as “all in a day’s work,” no matter how traumatically emotional it may be, I can shelve it and go on with my regular day-to-day as if it hasn’t affected me at all. For example, I’ve been to so many emergency scenes that I’ve lost count where people have been seriously injured or even died, but it doesn’t phase me. Mentally, I see experiences like this as simply the nature of my job, and it’s my duty to capture the experience in order to share it and teach others. But if something happens in my personal life, not even on par with some of the things I experience on the job, it has the power to cripple me for days at a time.

As most of you know, my husband and I have been working our butts off to finally get to live in the same city together. Visas and paperwork complicate the process quite a bit, but we take it day by day. Most recently, we had finally found an apartment in London that checked all of our boxes, and we quickly put down a deposit to make it ours. It’s been years in the making, and finding an apartment eliminated one of the final obstacles keeping us apart. We were thrilled! We started talking about how we’d decorate the place, what furniture we needed to buy, how we’d spruce up the back garden to make use of it during the warm months. We were having so much fun making plans because it finally felt like our future together – in the same place – was here. Well, in true “just our luck” fashion, this dream came to a grinding halt. The current tenant decided to stay last minute, so we lost our dream flat. All of our plans went up in smoke just like that. Back to square one. I wasn’t just devastated, I was angry. After everything we’ve been through, how dare the world do this to us?! The end was in sight! I allowed myself to get excited only to have the rug ripped right out from under me?! That’s not fair! That’s not right!

As soon as I heard the news, my entire demeanor changed. My entire outlook on my future became bleak. “I’ll never get to London,” I thought. “It’s just not meant to be.” Neither of us had even moved into the place yet, but it still felt like someone took something of ours away. I cried. I punched pillows. I threw a mini fit in the privacy of my room. I yelled at my husband even though he had nothing to do with the tenant deciding to stay put. I just couldn’t handle it.

And then I gave myself time to think. A few days ago, I had a conversation with a coworker about personal battles we all fight in our private lives, and how we must then put on a brave face in public and act like nothing is bothering us. And I thought how easy it is for us to completely ignore our feelings like that for the sake of saving face. Unless it’s your job to remain unbiased, you’re allowed to let things affect you. But then I ask: how do you decide what is allowed to affect you and what’s not? On the job, I’m completely numb to emotion. But off the clock, it doesn’t take much to get to tantrum town. So how do I find a healthy balance?

Talking to people helps. It’s a blessing to have level-headed people weigh in on your situation and give you perspective. On the job, sometimes I’m that person for victims’ families. And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that their situations are much more dire than the ones I’m facing right now, which brings me back down to earth. If someone whose grandson was shot and killed at close range by a police officer still has faith in the power of positivity and future change, who am I to let something like a silly apartment damn my future?

So here’s what I’ve learned: It’s okay to be sad, mad, hurt. To quote my favorite movie, Elizabethtown, “you have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it, embrace it, discard it …and proceed.” We are human. We have emotions and we shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of them. We NEED to feel what we feel, but once we have, we cannot wallow in it. Life is too short to fixate on one problem, especially if it’s a problem we have no control over. In my case, I do have control. I can find a new apartment. The world isn’t ending and my future isn’t doomed. For a hot second, it sure felt like it. But now that I’ve dealt with the appropriate emotions, I can move on to finding a solution to the problem. I remain stoic at work because I have to, but I need to face the experiences I’ve had even if it means returning back to the moment mentally and in private. If we ignore how we feel, the smallest problems can seem like nightmares and we’ll burst. Empathy is healthy and helpful. And it’s okay to admit that life is hard sometimes for everyone, but we can’t stop living.

We are intrepid. We carry on.

The ladder

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Life happens at its own pace. For many things, we can’t force them to hurry up or slow down at will. While I personally find it annoying because I have the patience of a two-year-old girl, I still find myself shrugging my shoulders reciting, “it is what it is,” on many occasions. Not necessarily because I want to, but because I know that I’ve done as much as I could’ve and the rest is up to the universe. (The universe and I have a very complicated love/hate relationship.)

Most people who know me know that since I started college in the fall of 2009, I had a plan. I knew what career I wanted and I knew where I wanted to move. Ohio was so far off my radar it was like the Bermuda Triangle had swallowed it up. All my life was spent working toward this one career goal. I climbed that metaphorical ladder rung by rung as I surpassed each step on my pre-career to-do list, but it was when I had to sit back and wait that tensions began to rise. I went from feeling like I was this high achieving, well seasoned, budding journalist waiting for my big break to completely questioning my skills and abilities within a six month time period. I graduated and didn’t have any job offers yet. I sat back for months watching classmates of mine accept positions in the media field that I felt better qualified for. I was angry. Why wasn’t anyone offering me jobs? I had awesome internships, I made good contacts, I was really good at what I could do. But for whatever reason, my resumé was overlooked and I sat around unemployed for months. Eventually, my loans slapped me in the face and demanded that I start forking over excruciatingly painful payments. I needed an income.

There I was, a college graduate with dreams of working alongside fellow journalists, applying for minimum wage jobs near my hometown. I was embarrassed and nursing an understandably crushed ego while working part time as a front desk associate at a hotel near my parent’s house. For awhile, I admit I had given up on myself and succumbed to the idea that I may never work in my professional field. I blamed the job market, technology, my location. I made crazy justifications for why I couldn’t seem to get an entry level job in journalism. I didn’t tell anyone about my work situation because I didn’t want to have to admit to anyone that I wasn’t where I should’ve been. I felt out of place at work. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there, and I know all of my coworkers could tell I was aching to leave as well.

Eventually, I started getting phone calls and interviews for other jobs. I perked up quite a bit, but I kept quiet about my prospects because I didn’t want to make a huge thing out of an interview and then not receive a job offer afterward. I thought, “I really don’t need any other embarrassments right now.” After I went through my depressed stage, I started fighting really hard to get noticed for jobs. I was aggressively reaching out to hiring managers, asking other professionals for help or insight or advice and essentially jumping up and down, flailing my arms and yelling, “look at me, look at me!” But by January 2014, I had exhausted all of my ideas and started falling back into that “I-don’t-know-what-to-do-next” attitude. I had hundreds of applications floating around in cyberspace and all I could really do was wait. And feel worthless, of course. Waiting is always the hardest part.

Then one day while I was working, my phone rang. I had interviewed at this news station the previous October, but they didn’t have any job openings at the time and asked me to get back in touch in the new year. Of course, I never got in touch because I thought nothing would come of it anyway because it was a really big station that I didn’t feel I had a chance with (yeah, nice attitude!). But then they called me. Now, I’m proud to say that my first job in the media field is at a market 17 news station. I’m happy where I am and I finally feel like I fit in at work. Instead of trying to blend in with the walls, I want people to ask me about where I’m working. I want to be able to proudly say that, yeah, my first job took ages to materialize but now that I’m finally working, my job is way more impressive than your job! Of course, I’m not that rude, but it’s nice to know that it was never a matter of being unqualified or inept in my field. It just wasn’t my time yet and I had to wait for something amazing to come along.

So I learned a valuable lesson this past year. While it’s great to have goals, sometimes it’s unfair to place time limits on when you should achieve certain goals. Setting impossible expectations is quite literally setting yourself up for failure. You can’t control every aspect of your life. I told myself I needed to have a job in my field within a very short time after earning my degree, and when I didn’t meet my own expectations, it hurt. I sent myself into a spiral of second-guessing who I was and what I wanted to do, which ultimately forced the idea that I had already failed into my brain. Now I know that I didn’t fail – I didn’t do anything wrong. It just took time and patience and serious perseverance. I’m grateful that I had family and friends who continually cheered for me and kept pumping me up with positive affirmations and encouragement, reassuring me that I was good at what I did and that the perfect job would come along soon. It’s important to keep believing in ourselves too. Just because you may not be where you want to be doesn’t mean that you’ll never get there. Keep the faith and never give up. If you fall down and have to slum it for awhile, at least slum it with pride and the unquestionable knowledge that you’re making your way there, slowly but surely. And when you finally get past that hurdle, I hope you can look back like I have and say, yeah, I totally made it. I made it through that hard stuff and came out the other side stronger and more confident.

So please accept my heartfelt thanks to all of you who have always sent good vibes my way and helped keep my spirits up when I was feeling like a failure. Thank you to those who reached out a hand to help when I asked for advice or leads. Simply, thank you. It’s nice to know that there are people out there who genuinely hope I succeed and are willing to pipe in and whisper words of encouragement when they notice I’m faltering. People like you are the reason the world goes ’round, and you help make my life meaningful. Thank you so very much. I hope I do well at returning the favor.

Cheers!

What works.

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As a recent graduate, I’m no stranger to the job application process. It’s tedious, repetitive and increasingly less personal, what with most applications done electronically and sent through to a recruiting agency rather than a direct employer. Without impressive credentials, your application quickly falls to the wayside and the time you spent writing that job specific cover letter was wasted. I know the feeling well, but what can you do? Well, I’ve done everything from tweeting the company I applied to work for, stalking HR reps on LinkedIn and sending direct emails to whatever email address affiliated with the job posting I could find. It’s not easy to get noticed when technology sticks a wall in front of you, but we do the best we can. And since I’m not satisfied working a minimum wage part time job for the rest of my life, I’m going to try a brand new tactic– this blog post.I like to think that my résumé is impressive for a recent graduate. I’m not cocky, but I’ve been lucky enough to nab some exclusive and brag-worthy internships back to back, and my university exposed me to many more opportunities than some other schools could’ve done. I write, photograph, videotape, market, advertise– I’m a jack of all trades in the communications field, jumping up and down like a lunatic just trying to get noticed. And still, nothing. I bet there’s a group of recent graduates out there feeling the exact same way I am, AND eager to work! (What?!)

When looking for a job, it’s important to know what you can do, but also determine what kind of work you actually want to do. Before attending my university, I wanted to be a foreign correspondent. After spending four years reporting the news here, there and everywhere, I now know that’s not what I want to continue pursuing post graduation. People will constantly ask, “what do you want to do?” and it’s probably smart to have a precise answer for that question. I want to write, take photos and video and travel. I’ve hopped all over the United States since the day I was born, and the minute I saved up enough money, I was on the first plane to Europe, soaking up as much culture as possible. This is a lifestyle I love, so I know it’s what I want. However, as a recent grad, this sure comes as a tall order for a first job straight out of the gate, right? Well, maybe. If you’re capable of doing the job and doing it well and also have a willingness to learn, you’re just as qualified as Joe Schmo with five years under his belt. Entry level or not, if you think you have what it takes, go for it. Opportunity doesn’t wait for anyone.

Speaking of opportunity, let’s get back to the point of this post. This is entirely self serving, but I need your help to get me out of my minimum wage job and into a job that I’m better qualified for– and frankly, one I think I deserve at this point in my life. Since I feel I’m quickly exhausting/annoying my resources to gain attention, I’ve had to think outside of the box. I’m also banking this on the assumption that a couple of people actually read my blogs, are interested in me and what I have to say… and possibly want to help me get a job(?). I’ve found a few jobs I really dig, but I recently stumbled upon a position at New York Habitat,  an international real estate and travel agency, that sounds perfect. They’re looking for a social media and marketing assistant to essentially pitch in with their social media accounts and maintain engagement with followers through posts, optimization and blogging. Bottom line, I’m social media obsessed, I’m creating new blog sites every few months just for fun, I currently work in the hotel industry and I’ve got a serious case of wanderlust– sounds like this position was created FOR me, eh? But even if I feel that way, it doesn’t mean my application will be seen or considered under the piles of other applicants. So help a recent grad out and tweet, Facebook, comment on Tumblr or find a contact email address on New York Habitat’s website and tell them to give me a shot! I know it’s a bit bizarre and may not do a thing for me, but I’m not willing to give up until I’ve exhausted all options. All I can do is hope there are people out there who care enough to take a minute to help. We all have to start somewhere, right? So if you’re feeling generous, provide them with my email (tparker259@yahoo.com) or Twitter handle @_TanyaParker and maybe then I’ll get noticed. In fact, if you know of any other jobs that sound similar or may interest me, let’s have a chat. I’m more than willing to return the favor since I’m painfully aware of how this stage in life feels. Let’s give the recent grads a fighting chance!

Trying and not succeeding is not failure; it’s part of the process of discovering what works.