Tag: explore

To smell the flowers

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It’s been a funny few months. I say ‘funny’, but I don’t mean ‘haha’ funny. More like a peculiar, confusing funny. The ‘I’ll laugh otherwise I’d cry’ kind of funny, although I’ve still admittedly shed quite the volume of tears over the past few months (though some that know me would say this isn’t necessarily unusual for me). The point is, I’ve run the gamut of emotions in a condensed amount of time, and it’s left me feeling really weird lately. An emotion I can’t quite pinpoint. How annoying. 

It’s been understandably difficult dealing with my husband’s evolving medical issues, though I can say after more than 6 years of relentless, terrifying situations, I genuinely feel like we face these issues with much more pragmatic attitudes than ever before. It never stops being terrifying and emotional, but I’m immensely proud of the way we’ve faced recent events and pushed ahead with logic. Though we’d give anything (literally anything!) not to have to deal with this crap, in a twisted way, I’m grateful that we, as individuals and as a pair, have become better versions of ourselves off the back of what we’ve experienced. Just the fact that I can type this now shows that I’ve grown a lot as a person – that I can take a step back from the chaos and analyse it logically. And better yet, that I can admit that there’s any glimmer of a silver lining in the shitty cards we’ve been dealt in life shows how far I’ve come. Every cloud, eh?

As a quick update for those following this insane medical journey: we’ve found a private neurologist in the last few months who my husband describes as ‘the best doctor’ he’s ever had. And considering his medical history, you can be damn sure he’s seen plenty, so this judgment points to good things. The doctor treats us like human beings (gasp!), has a sensible approach to health backed by science (not always a guarantee these days) and genuinely seems to want to help. This is the first time we’ve not felt like lepers in a doctor’s office. It’s still early days in my husband’s current treatment, but we’ve got a course of action… and then several other courses of action planned should the first one not pan out. So in short: we’re happy and optimistic – something we weren’t feeling at the start of the year. Fingers crossed the trajectory continues this way.

Whilst all this was going on in the background, as is usual fashion for me, a tornado was wreaking havoc in other parts of my life too. I’m still waiting for the reality TV crew to jump out from their hiding spots, but until then…

The company I work for went through some major internal structural changes recently that left my entire team facing redundancy. It happened very quickly – we were told our roles were being made redundant, proposed new positions were explained, those who wanted to stay had to interview for these very few new open roles, then we were told if we were successful or if we were out the door. All within 30 days. As you can imagine, this was incredibly stressful and emotional. I went through every stage of grief, no lie, and I for sure had severe moments of ‘why now, why me?!’. Nevertheless, I pushed through the best I could, and I attribute that both to the strength I’ve found in past life experiences, as well as to the people who helped prop me up and cheer me on throughout the process. Though I’m grateful I landed a new role at the company I love so much, I’m simultaneously grieving the loss of many fabulous colleagues and friends. It’s a complicated time, gang.

I went on a much-needed holiday, then came home and immediately fell very ill for a very long time. I faced conflicts with people I love. I made distant future plans knowing life could change by then. I went to the doctor for myself – twice! I’ve been let down. I’ve been surprised. I’ve been socially awkward and shockingly social.

These last few months have forced me to think about my own wants and needs much more critically, and to make very hard decisions quickly. I’m not a fan of making quick decisions on a normal day, so it’s been particularly difficult of late. I’ve had way too many anxiety attacks to count, but whilst they’ve been frequent, they’ve been brief. I’m slowly learning how to regularly claw my way out of these moments (with obvious external help from those around during an episode – thank you!), and so I say again: every cloud.

I’ve made regular use of the ‘block’, ‘unfriend’ and ‘hide’ functions on social media platforms, protecting myself from toxic people who trigger me. I thought this would be hard to do – I don’t like the aggressive feeling of doing this – but I can honestly say that it’s helped me so much more than I could’ve expected. I’ve also made use of the word ‘no’. Little miss ‘too-afraid-to-disappoint-people’ and ‘gives-everyone-10-billion-second-chances’ has given firm nos to negative influences who’ve tried to reach out. Who am I?! I won’t say this was easy to do in the moment, but after doing it once and realising I was better off for it, I find myself becoming much more comfortable looking after myself and not feeling guilty for doing it. Guess this is growing up, ya’ll!

I don’t think I’m feeling optimistic or particularly positive, but the main thing is that I’m trying to. It’s taken me many, many years, but I now feel like it’s okay to put myself first. This doesn’t mean that I care less about anyone else, but rather I care so much that I want to ensure I’m putting the best version of myself forward first. Not the tired, broken down version I previously offered. I’m not saying I’m killing the game over here – I still have bad days where I just can’t get a grip on my anxiety and collapse into a ball of erratic, irrational emotions. But I can say I don’t feel like a failure on these days anymore. I am allowed to feel broken. I am allowed to be angry and resentful about the cards I’ve been dealt. I’m allowed to have ‘woe is me’ days. But above all this, I know I’m allowed to be happy and continue to seek happiness. I’m allowed to change my mind and my mood. I’m allowed to be! It’s crazy that I’m only just now coming to this realisation, but I’m very glad I did.

And now, I think I’ll take some time to stop and smell the flowers. It’s a crazy life, folks. But there’s always a little beauty to see. You just gotta know where to look for it.

On the road to understanding

I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list.Image

 

I flip through my used, worn out copy of Jack Kerouac’s, “On the Road,” and find myself comparing then and now. Not necessarily the economy, living standards or general way of life, but more like the attitudes of the individuals in the book and the way they demand adventure. Why don’t people think like Dean anymore? Why don’t we live spontaneously? In a simpler form, why don’t we do exactly what we want? 

Obviously, there are struggles in life – obstacles, nay-sayers, reality – but there are small, easy ways to better ourselves and enjoy our time on this planet. For instance, why not book a flight to India for a week? If money weren’t an obstacle, would you? I worry that many people nowadays are too comfortable where they are, and when this happens, we can’t grow. The most understanding and open-minded individuals I have ever met have a hefty traveling resumé. They’ve explored and immersed themselves in a location or culture unlike their own for no other reason but to learn from it. I truly believe the best way to understand another person is to learn about their lifestyle, culture, religion, environment or language. We all have deep roots that extend well into these facets of our lives, and if we start to understand where these roots come from and why, then we can only grow in understanding. Does that make sense? Our beliefs and opinions are not just created out of thin air, so we should work to figure out what has aided in forming them. Don’t just read a book to learn – take yourself there! 

If you want to go, that should be reason enough. The tickets may be expensive, but the experience is sure to be priceless. In any case, there are ways to save if it’s an adventurous learning experience you’re after! 

Through my travels, I’ve nixed the idea of hotel stays for the most part because I prefer not to pay out the nose! However, many Americans hear the word, “hostel,” and immediately picture a dirty, unsafe, sketchy room shared by 20 other random foreign people. Let me destroy that stereotype right now! If you’re planning a trip and want to book a place to stay the night, you need to check out Hostels.com. I’ve used this site a bunch, and it’s so simple! You control exactly the kind of place you want to stay. Determine how much you’re willing to spend, what area you want to be in, what amenities you prefer and more! The reviews and ratings make it easy to find out if the hostel is legitimate and safe too, which has all too often saved my skin as I’ve hopped across the globe. I know this sounds like a shameless plug for the site, but I wouldn’t encourage it if I hadn’t found such success myself! And come on, doesn’t £20 sound much better than £150 for a night’s stay in London? So you can sort of live like Dean Moriarty hopping from bed to bed, but in a much safer way.

And what about meals and activities? I relied heavily on Groupon and LivingSocial if I ever found myself in high tourist areas. These babies got me meal deals I shared with friends and tickets to events, shows and other adventures that saved me a pretty penny. It also doesn’t hurt to hit up the local market and buy meal staples to make your own sandwiches or have snacks to munch whenever your tummy growls and your pockets ache. I took a trip down to the beaches of Southern Spain for a few days and only spent money in a restaurant once! For everything else, I bought food at the market and cooked it myself in the kitchen at my hostel. Gave me an opportunity to mingle with other hostel goers too! 

If these little money saving tips can’t convince you to hop on a plane, train or car to go exploring, then check out TripAdvisor.com to hear from other expert travelers and get more advice and tips. I’ve asked a few questions on the site myself and gotten some very helpful responses in return.

My point is if you want to understand others with a diverse background, the most fulfilling way to do that is to envelope yourself in their environment and culture. You’ll learn so much so quickly, and you’ll find your entire outlook on life can change with just one trip. And if you disagree, it’s probably because you haven’t ventured outside of your comfort zone. 

Come on, we modern day Dean Moriartys are waiting for ya!